Hull 0-0 Blackburn match report: The Daily Mirror verdict

Glad tidings of comfort and joy by the Humber - John Prescott makes a cameo appearance in Gavin & Stacey on New Year’s Day.

Two Jags, our revered former Deputy Prime Minister and the Honourable Member for Hull East, appears in the congregation at old flame Nessa Jenkins’ wedding.

So at least the good people of the East Riding will have something to laugh at over their tinsel and brussel sprouts - because it’s already going cold turkey at the KC & the Sunshine Band stadium.

In a match which lived down to all expectations, if not lower, Hull even botched the half-time draw, firstly by forgetting to put the tickets in the tombola, and then by spilling half of them on the pitch.

Enter at your own risk - your entry may not make it into the draw, but your account will still be charged.

As for the football... get well soon, Jimmy Bullard, because watching Hull scuffle without their crocked pied piper is like taking Mick Hucknall’s tumbleweed out of Simply Red.

On this evidence, by the time midfield heartbeat Bullard returns from his latest knee injury, the Tigers are likely to be back below the dotted line, needing snookers to escape, because the assault course is about to get a whole lot tougher.

Arsenal, Manchester United (twice), Chelsea and Tottenham lie in wait for Phil Brown’s men over the next six games, starting with a trip to the Emirates, where Hull’s two visits last season turned into tales of spit and stardust.

Stunning goals from Geovanni and Daniel Cousin provided the stardust in a seismic 2-1 win in the Premier League, while Brown’s charge that Gunners skipper Cesc Fabregas spat on Tigers assistant boss Brian Horton’s shoe after a stormy FA Cup quarter final was not upheld by the Football Assocation.

Like Prezza’s walk-on part in a prime-time sitcom, goalless draws against Blackburn Rovers are not always as exciting as they sound, but the Tigers are going to need every point they can scramble in Bullard’s absence.

Recalled Tigers keeper Boaz Myhill warned: “Although Jimmy has been a shining light, we need to crack on and pick up as many points as we can until he comes back.

“We’ll go to the Emirates with the confidence of a clean sheet. We gave a good account of ourselves at Arsenal twice last season, and it makes no difference that we’re playing them and Man United over Christmas - every game is difficult in the Premier League, and that’s the joy of being in this division.”

Manager Brown, who never looked like putting one over Sam Allardyce, his old mentor at Bolton, after Craig Fagan’s feeble effort was smothered by Paul Robinson early on, admitted: “We have looked at the fixtures and it’s going to be a long six weeks without Jimmy, but even he might have been lost in that game because of the way it panned out.

“What happened at Arsenal last season is definitely in the past tense as far as I’m concerned. We can go to the Emirates with no real fear because of our experience there last year, but if you don’t bring your best game to the table against the top teams, they will show you a clean pair of heels, as Aston Villa did the other week.” 

After two goalless stalemates since his heart operation, Big Sam’s cardiologist will be delighted. The patient is under doctor’s orders to avoid excitement, and he has followed instructions to the letter.

Disappointingly, Allardyce told his players to “help“ referees make up their minds about awarding penalties by hitting the deck more readily if there is physical contact inside the box.

The Rovers manager was frustrated by Nikola Kalinic staying on his feet when he was clipped by Kamil Zayatte, and the Croatian striker later wasted Blackburn’s best chance from just eight yards.  

Frankly, neither side deserved to win because they couldn’t stand on the quayside and hit the night ferry to Zeebrugge. And there are enough charlatans conning referees without Big Sam drawing up a new cheats’ charter.