Joe Kinnear claim proves that Newcastle are now beyond a joke

Laughing stocks are supposed to be funny, but the bleak farce of Newcastle United has gone way beyond a joke.

Relegation was bad enough. Then the Cockney Mafia put the club up for sale at a knock-down price, only to find even David Dickinson was not interested in the bargain hunt.

Meanwhile, Geordie messiah Alan Shearer - the only man the fans trust - has been left to seek refuge on a BBC sofa while the impoverished team is humiliated 6-1 by the full might of Leyton Orient in a pre-season friendly.

Quizzed on whether he could have asked for more, Orient manager Geraint Williams observed, without a trace of pathos: "A clean sheet would have been nice."

In the Championship this season, goals may be harder to come by than fashion acclaim for the Toon's hideous orange-and-lemon away strip. Michael Owen has left for Old Trafford, while Obafemi Martins has been flogged for £9million to a German club of no fixed mediocrity.

And just when long-suffering diehards thought it couldn't get any worse, Joe Kinnear rose yesterday from six months in the sick bay to announce that his second coming as manager may be as soon as next month. When Kinnear, owner Mike Ashley's puppet appointment, announced at Villa Park he had been offered a two-year contract, the groans could be heard 200 miles away on Tyneside.

Kinnear's recovery from triple heart bypass surgery is, of course, a cause for celebration. But as a footballing appointment, his return to St James' Park ahead of people's choice Shearer would be like sending George Bush to the Middle East as a peace envoy.

Kinnear, 62, was helping to launch interactive computer game Championship Manager 2010 yesterday when he unleashed his bolt from the blue.

He said: "I spoke to (managing director) Derek Llambias, we had a long chat and he offered me a twoyear contract. They wanted to announce it last week for the pre-season friendly at Dundee United, but we've put it on hold.

"It didn't coincide with my medical situation and I've told them I need another month. I've got one more visit to the hospital and, up until now, everything has gone really well.

"I'm hoping that this time next month I will have the all-clear to come back into football.

"Hopefully the opportunity will still be there, but at the same time the club could be sold or someone else has taken the job." Barely an hour earlier, Kinnear appeared to have rejected the idea of returning to Newcastle by saying doctors had advised him against a return to the dug-out until December.

"I told them I wasn't up to it for medical reasons," insisted JFK. "I need to take time out and reassess the situation. In another three months, the picture might be completely different - if Newcastle feel they need to get another manager, so be it."

In between the mixed messages, Kinnear magnanimously offered Shearer the chance to work with him, adding: "I would certainly love that opportunity, if Alan wants to come in."

Big Al, however, may be in no rush to grasp the olive branch.

When he took over as interim manager with eight games of last season remaining, Shearer inherited a side who had won five games out of 26. And team discipline was such a distant rumour that he felt obliged to issue a new rulebook covering everything from punctuality to nocturnal socialising.

By his own admission, if Kinnear accepted the poisoned chalice again, there would be no money for new signings and he warned: "At the moment, the squad is very thin and if there were any injuries in key areas, we would seriously struggle."

On the day one of Geordieland's finest sons, Sir Bobby Robson, was laid to rest at a private family burial, Ashley's decision to risk the Gallowgate End's wrath by going cap-in-hand to Kinnear was like a requiem for a great club.

It can't get much worse... anyone for Dennis Wise?

..And here are some of the best moments since Joe last arrived

Left: The famous rant last October that heralded his first week in charge, but things were about to get much worse..

... it ended in tears seven months later as Newcastle were relegated, before they unveiled the hideous orange-and lemon away strip that had fans revolting once more. The new season kicked off with more misery as Toon crashed to a humiliating 6-1 friendly defeat at League One Leyton Orient (below)