Portsmouth 1-4 Manchester United match report: The Daily Mirror verdict

Up in the sin bin, the grumpy old man enjoyed his elevated view of the Premier League’s longest-running show, The Ryan King.

And as Wayne Rooney’s hat-trick was upstaged by a sublime matinee performance from Ryan Giggs, Sir Alex Ferguson’s exile in the dress circle balcony from his usual seat in the orchestra pit was transformed from penance to privileged view of a genius at work.

In their box, Fergie and Manchester United chief executive David Gill looked like those two crusty hecklers Statler and Waldorf from the Muppet Show as Giggs provided another flawless cabaret.

And sure enough, Fergie - serving a touchline ban for defamatory remarks about a referee’s fitness - found another victim to hector.

This time linesman Richard West, who flagged for a penalty as Nemanja Vidic helped himself to a handful of Frederic Piquionne’s shirt, was the target from Ferguson’s lectern for putting referee Mike Dean under “incredible pressure“ to award the home side a penalty and “changing the whole course of normal decision-making.” 

But who needs grumbling from the Groucho Club when you can still enjoy Giggs topping the bill at the Palladium?

In an age when it has become compulsory to fawn over United’s headline acts, whether they are spouting tosh about trawlers and sardines or pouting jugglers who fall over too readily, Giggs has transcended animosity.

Even if you hate Manchester United, it is impossible to hate Ryan Giggs. He was 36 yesterday and, wearing unfeasibly white boots the shade of a Hollywood actor’s teeth, he decorated the occasion with his 100th Premier League goal.

Two games in a week may be beyond the old boy these days, but with 819 appearances on the clock, the odds on him reaching 1,000 are shrinking like woolly jumpers in a hot tumble dryer.

Only Fred Astaire’s career was sustained longer by twinkling feet, and although England striker Rooney carried off the match ball at Fratton Park, he was happy to concede top billing to the Ryan King in the pride lands.

Rooney said: “He surprises me every week, he is amazing. His performance was the key to two of my goals and I don’t know how he does it. He is unbelievable.

“Even at 36 he is as good as ever. He is one of the sharpest every day in training, and even in tricky conditions on quite a difficult pitch, he puts in a performance like that. He is quite incredible.

“To be honest, we weren’t really that great in the first half - Portsmouth came at us hard and our keeper had to make some great saves, but in the second half we played some good stuff and overall I think we deserved the win.”

Fergie, who presented Giggs with a professional contract on his 17th birthday back in 1990 and has never regretted it, is already convinced his prodigy will complete two decades as a one-club legend - loyalty which sets him apart from modern football’s mercenary ethos.

“Happy birthday - he’s had it 36 times, wait until he gets to 67,” said the United manager. “I think even he’ll be retired by then, but he’s an exceptional player, a rarity. He will play for another two years yet.”

Giggs, of course, took it all in his stride, preferring to acknowledge lone striker Rooney’s contribution to a rousing match where the most overworked patron was the penalty spot.

Rooney’s third hat-trick for United took his tally for the season to 11 goals and Giggs said: “Wayne was brilliant. He was up there on his own, but he tied down the two centre halves.

“The rain helped us - it made the pitch a lot quicker and we were much slicker with our passing. In the first half, Portsmouth made it very difficult for us. Whenever we come here, it is like their cup final.”

Pompey, negligent at one end of the pitch and wasteful at the other, we can deal with summarily.

The tide went out on those heady days of FA Cup glory under Harry Redknapp long ago, and all that remains is the plughole and a few bars of the Hornpipe.

After Rooney’s opener from the spot, even the excellent Kevin-Prince Boateng’s first-half equaliser, a reciprocal gift from linesman West, was softer than quilted toilet paper.

Rooney took just eight minutes after the break to claim custody of the match ball, burying a sublime pass from Giggs and completing his hat-trick from yet another penalty when Frederic Piquionne hauled down the birthday boy.

The final flourish, a signature free kick from the Ryan King, was worthy of the West End or Broadway itself. Never mind samba football, United have got Simba.

PORTSMOUTH: Begovic 6, Ben Haim 4, Kaboul 5, Wilson 4, Hreidarsson 5, Yebda 4 (Utaka, 78), Brown 5, O’Hara 6, Boateng 8, Dindane 5 (Smith, 81), Piquionne 5 (Kanu, 62, 4).

MAN UTD: Kuszczak 8, Neville 5, Brown 6, Vidic 5, Evra 7, Scholes 6, Carrick 5 (Anderson, 78), Valencia 8, Fletcher 7, Giggs 9, Rooney 8.