The Top 20 Things we learned from watching England at the World Cup

By Dan Silver in 2010 World Cup Blog

Published 15:30 10/07/10

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As the 2010 World Cup finals draw to close, what have we actually learned?

Throughout the tournament MirrorFootball's crack squad of football analysts and gagsmiths (but mainly gagsmiths) have been picking the bones out of proceedings for your daily enjoyment.

Ahead of tomorrow's big match we'll publish the best of their findings. But by way of a booby prize, here's an England special, courtesy of Dan Silver and Steve Anglesey

England 1-1 USA
1) There's good news and bad news for West Ham fans. The good news? Rob Green is staying - NOBODY will buy him after that clanger; The bad news? Well, Rob Green is staying...

2) While we're on the subject of THAT howler: presumably that was one British spill the Americans won't be complaining about. [NB: this was actually an original joke at the time]

3) It's no disgrace to draw your opening game of a World Cup 1-1, of course, but the nature of England's performance - hurried, ill-disciplined, lacking cohesion and composure - was everything that those from Capello's qualification campaign were not. The Italian must now justify his unfeasibly large FA salary and turn that around pretty damn quick otherwise England will be coming home before the Tweets, let alone the postcards. [NB: He didn't

4) At least we can now stop patronising the Americans about their lack of football knowledge. Yes, they suffered an early touchdown from Steven Gerrard, but they took advantage of Rob Green's fumble on the two yard line to turnover possession and send the tie into OT [snip - you're fired, Ed]

10 things we learned from England 1-1 USA full article  

England 0-0 Algeria
5) In years to come, people will ask: "Do you remember where you were the night Lennon was shit?"

6) What a great game for one England player. Unfortunately, that player was Theo Walcott.

7) The fan seen necking with his girlfriend at half-time was the only person connected with England who looked like scoring all evening

8) If this is how Steven Gerrard plays in white, does Jose really want him at Real Madrid?

9) TV cameras captured a pigeon on the Algeria bar in the first half before it settled in the back of their goal. Amazing self-preservation instincts, these birds.

England 0-0 Algeria: The Top 10 things we learned full article  

England 1-0 Slovenia
10) It was the Mirror Wot Won It! England goalscorer Jermain Defoe is, of course, one of our star columnists. Perhaps Fabio Capello should consider calling-up Stan Collymore for the next round? It's probably safe to leave John Cross, Martin Lipton, Simon Bird and David McDonnell in the press box, mind.

11) We can finally put the Emile Heskey debate to bed. England's travails in this World Cup have conclusively proved that goals on the board are more important than holding the ball up, creating space for others, making cracking cups of tea and whatever else it is that the non-scoring Aston Villa striker is alleged to bring to the side.

12) The sight and sound of 10,000 drunken Englishmen, many draped in St George's Crosses, drowning out the indigenous din of the vuvuzela with rousing choruses of God Save The Queen was like a return to the - cough - 'glory days' of colonialism. Still, at least we now know how to shut those bloody horns up: get England to win a game.

13) Fabio Capello crowed after the game that his England were back to playing their natural game, and how right he was: they started solidly against limited opposition, went ahead, failed to increase their lead during a purple period of dominance and were then left hanging on for dear life at the end. If there's a more English way to win a game, then we've yet to hear of it.

10 Things we learned from England 1-0 Slovenia full article  

England 1-4 Germany
14) In the scramble to replace Don Fabio - after all, who wouldn't want the chance to earn £6million-a-week for no discernible end product whatsoever? - maybe we should turn to Franz Beckenbauer. The Kaiser has been roundly derided in this country for his outspoken attacks on English football, but it's all looking rather prescient now, isn't it? Kick and rush? We should be so lucky!

15) Poor Frank Lampard. He's broken plenty of records at Stamford Bridge, and now he's got an international one too: his free-kick against the bar was the midfielder's 37th World Cup shot without scoring - more than any other player since 1966 onwards. The fact that it actually went in is mere insult to a particularly nasty injury indeed.

16) That said... Apparently when the referee saw a replay of the incident at half time, he guiltily exclaimed, 'My God...'. And when assistant linesman Mauricio Espinosa saw pictures at half-time of the ball clearly being over the line, he was overheard to remark: 'Mein Gott! Ich bin eine dumme Wurst'.

17) The most damning indictment of Capello's reign was surely his final two substitutions. With England's supposedly 'golden' first XI misfiring like a cheap Italian motor, he looked at his bench and decided to bring on... Shaun Wright-Phillips and Emile Heskey. Fabio might as well have just thrown a towel and white flag onto the pitch instead.

18) Graham Taylor sounded the call again this morning for the FA to sort out the national centre of excellence, and it's not often we agree with the daft old fool, but for once he's talking sense. Compare and contrast the performances of Neuer, Ozil and Mueller - players who competed in Germany's U-21 European Championship final victory over England last year - with the ramshackle performances of our own youngster like James Milner and Glen Johnson.

Top 10 things we learned watching England 1-4 Germany full article  

General
19) England's World Cup actually ended before it started. Or, more specifically, on June 4 when Rio Ferdinand hobbled out of the squad. After John Terry's indifferent season he needed an experienced, reliable head alongside him. Unfortunately he got Ledley King (knacked of knee), Jamie Carragher (bereft of pace) and Matthew Upson (utterly clueless).

20) We were promised it would be different under Fabio Capello and the richly-reimbursed Italian didn't disappoint: usually we have to wait until the quarter-finals until being hopelessly outplayed and outclassed by the first decent team we meet. This time we were at least put out of our misery a whole week earlier.

What did you learn from England's World Cup misadventure? Let us know by leaving a comment below...

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