The essential guide to the Ian Holloway school of management

He's the funniest bloke to come out of the West Country since Bill Bailey and now Ian Holloway will be bringing his own brand of managerial magic to the Premier League.

Blackpool 3-2 Cardiff: The Sunday Mirror match report  

The Blackpool boss is noted for his bizarre modus operandi and hilarious quips. This is, after all, the man who came 15th in a Time Out poll of funniest Londoners in 2006, ahead of Paul Merton and Ali G, despite the fact he neither comes from, nor lived in the capital at the time.

So how did he get such a high ranking in the comedy stakes? MirrorFootball's  Rob Burnett brings you the essential guide to the Ian Holloway management style...

Animal crackers
"They say every dog has his day," Holloway declared, after he led Queens Park Rangers to promotion to the Championship in 2004. "And today is Woof Day. I want to go out and bark."

And, after QPR beat Cardiff at Loftus Road: "I couldn't be more chuffed if I were a badger at the start of the mating season."

On his fellow managers
After his QPR team had beaten Sheffield United in August 2005, Ollie recalls: "After the game, we're walking off the pitch. We've just won, 2-1. The ref's given us a goal that was blatantly offside, so I'm absolutely elated. Neil Warnock, the Sheffield United manager, is going ballistic. Anyhow, I am shouting at Neil, as we walk off: 'I always supported you. But now I see I was wrong. Everybody else in football is right. You are a t**t.'"

On rival supporters
When a journalist asked about his health, following time off sick, then QPR boss Holloway told him: "My arms withered and my body was covered with puss-like sores, but no matter how bad it got I consoled myself by remembering that I wasn't a Chelsea fan."

Dealing with the press
"When I was at Bristol Rovers there was a journalist who wrote a match report where he said that if Bristol City had my two strikers - who, in that game, were rubbish - then City would be a team Bristol could be proud of. Oooof!

"I got him to the training ground. He didn't know why. I said: 'You are going to apologise to my team, you bastard.' I sat all my players down. I had the two centre halves stand up. I said: 'Right, now tell these two - who you only gave five out of 10 each - just how well you think they played, you asshole.'"

And, angry that the press had linked QPR's Danny Shittu with a move to the Premier League based on some out-of-context quotes, Ollie said: "Whoever that was I'd like to pull his pants down and slap him on the arse like I used to do to my kids."

Motivating your squad
After he had a bad game for the Plymouth reserves, he bought a false bum, cut a hole in a pair of club shorts and stuck the plastic one in there. He told the players: "I heard a horrible rumour that I made an arse of myself last week" and then turned around to show them his new rear. After that the 'arse of the week' as voted for by the players had to wear the fetching shorts in training.

And on his QPR players' attractiveness: "My lot are the ugliest team ever to have worn the blue and white hoops - we certainly don't sell many calendars! In my playing days we had some right good looking bastards. But this lot are the worst I have ever seen! They all look like dogs."

On Evolution
"We are an offshoot of apes - allegedly - but who knows? We don't really, do we? How long have we been on this planet? How long are we going to be here? What is it all about? We reproduce. Our offspring carry on. But that will only happen for a limited time. Before the whole thing blows up and we are sucked into a black hole."

Top Gear
"Paul Furlong is my vintage Rolls Royce and he cost me nothing. We polish him, look after him, and I have him fine tuned by my mechanics. We take good care of him because we have to drive him every day, not just save him for weddings."

On attracting women to football
"We want women to come and watch football don't we? I think they're f*****g pretty, a damn sight prettier than any bloke I've ever seen anyway. You talk to women about footballers yeah, what do they like? They like legs. So why are our shorts getting longer? it's crazy."

On being the underdog
After hearing Plymouth Argyle were to play Real Madrid in a pre-season friendly, Ollie declared: "I'm sure they're worried about us," but not before literally falling off his chair in hysterics.

Ollie on getting a result
"To put it in gentleman's terms, if you've been out for a night and you're looking for a young lady and you pull one, some weeks they're good-looking and some weeks they are not the best. Our performance today would not have been the best-looking bird, but at least we got her in the taxi. She was not the best-looking lady we ended up taking home, but she was very pleasant and very nice, so thanks very much, let's have a coffee."

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