Dimitar Berbatov should have an affair with Alesha Dixon and Spurs won't win the league: It's the 10 things we learned from football this weekend

By Dan Silver in Football Banter

Published 19:01 20/09/09

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For once Super Sunday lived up to its billing, and elsewhere it was goals galore in the Premier League. But what did we learn, asks Dan Silver?

1) Fergie's mythical magical stopwatch still reigns supreme at Old Trafford. As the four minutes of stoppage time originally signaled by the fourth assistant came and went, the question, 'HOW much added time are they playing?' in the MirrorFootball office was answered - prophetically, as it happened - by one resident Man United fan: 'As much as it takes'.

2) Fabio Capello is a huge fan of slapstick comedy. How else to explain the attempts by England's goalkeeping hopefuls to out howler each other every week? The only way Rob Green could better the Ben Foster clanger that led to City's first goal would be to turn up at Eastlands next Monday in a a red nose and size 14 shoes.

3) Manchester United might have edged the derby, but City did manage to get something over their rivals at Old Trafford. In the hotly-contested battle for the Biggest Waste Of Money award, Joleon Lescott's consistently inept defending just about defeated Dimitar Berbatov's woefully wasteful shooting. Bad work all round.

4) If Chelsea's thrashing of Spurs told us anything, it's that Dimitar Berbatov needs to start an affair with Alesha Dixon pronto. Going out with a Saturday night prime time TV star has done wonders for Ashley Cole's prowess in front of goal - Alesha would surely be up for it. The Strictly Come Dancing flop is about as popular with BBC1's couch potatoes as the Bulgarian is with the the prawn sandwich brigade at Old Trafford.

5) The other thing Chelsea's thrashing of Spurs taught us is that the latter are not going to win the league this year. That early season optimism - buoyed by brilliant results against the likes of Hull and, er, Doncaster - seems to have all but disappeared in the wake of successive lessons in winning football matches from Manchester United and Chelsea. Still, there's always that battle for the Europa League spot...

6) This column was wrong to suggest that Liverpool are a one-man team following Steven Gerrard's heroics in the win against Bolton . No, as Fernando Torres' heroics in the  win against West Ham proved, they are clearly a two-man team. Happy to clear that one up.

7) Chris Waddle is a very bitter man. Could the extreme opprobrium he heaped upon Alessandro Diamanti for his two-stroke penalty have anything to do with the fact that the Italian is still capable of scoring from 12 yards while falling over, whereas Waddle's most famous penalty, against West Germany in the World Cup semi-final, was hit so far over the bar that it still hasn't come down to earth almost 19 years years later?

8) Arsene Wenger's aim of turning the Emirates into a fortress this season has worked a little too well. Given the swathes of empty seats for Saturday's thrashing of Wigan, perhaps he'll consider letting the fans in for the next game .

9) Portsmouth fans have some seriously rotten collective karma. They might have expected an Arabian takeover to produce some record-breaking results - but surely becoming the first Premier League side ever to lose their first six games of the season wasn't quite what they had in mind...

10) Sol Campbell is finally living up to his billing at Notts County. The former England man made his debut against the mighty Morecambe at the weekend and proved beyond doubt that he's the biggest player in League Two. In fact, judging from the way he's, er, filled out since leaving Portsmouth, Sol could actually be the biggest player in the country right now.