Emile Heskey needs shooting, and nine other things we learned from watching England's 5-1 thrashing of Croatia

England have reclaimed their rightful status as rulers of the game we gave the world by, er, thrashing a substandard Croatia side missing several their best players. But what have we learned, asks Dan Silver.

1) MirrorFootball's Steve Stammers was right: Fabio really couldn't give a monkey about friendlies . England played like a different team to the one that laboured against Slovenia on Saturday.

2) As a central defender, Matthew Upson is a damn fine singer. His performance during the national anthem was sensational. He should definitely go to South Africa - if only as frontman of the England band.

3) Aaron Lennon really doesn't need those 'go faster stripes' he's shaved into the side of his head. 'More accurate shooting' stripes on the other hand...

4) Croatia boss Slaven Bilic has swapped ciggie brands , it seems. He must have been smoking some of those funny fags if he thought his team could beat England.

5) Slaven Bilic also won't be getting much sleep over the next few days. How much do you think he's now regretting not taking one of those Premier League jobs he was offered last year?

6) While you have to admire Fabio Capello's loyalty to his players, there's more chance of Clive Tyldesley coming out with a funny gag than Emile Heskey finding the back of the net. Last month we reported that Martin O'Neill was giving him extra shooting practice. Now Emile just needs shooting. Best not let him do it himself though...

7) Rob Green is certainly in tune with your average football fan. We were all exasperatedly saying 'f**k me...!' when he palmed that rebound out to Eduardo as well.

8) Still, it could be worse: he could be Vedran Runje. How nice of the Croatian keeper to throw Paul Robinson a bone by paying tribute to his cock-up in Zagreb from 2007.

9) Glen Johnson is England's answer to Ronaldo. Sure, he still can't defend, but did you clock those stepovers before he set up Lampard for the third goal? He'll be wanting to be called GJ2 next...

10) Oh sod it... We're going to win the World Cup. Maybe.

What tickled you about the England v Croatia game? Let us know by leaving a comment below

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