Robbie Keane is the world's worst tipster, plus nine other things we learned from this weekend's football

By Ian Cruise in Football Banter

Published 08:12 02/11/09

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There were Halloween horror shows aplenty in the Premier League this weekend. But what did we learn, asks Dan Silver?

Robbie Keane must have been on the Guinness when he said Spurs were ready to overtake Arsenal . Tottenham's defence was so bad at the Emirates that Haringey council are reportedly refusing to grant planning permission for their new stadium. Apparently a funfair once a year is fine, but a circus every other week is too much to ask…

Those pundits who had all but written Arsenal off this season are looking pretty foolish now. Equally, the ones who tipped Chelsea for the title must be feeling pretty smug about now. Transfer ban or no transfer ban, Carlo Ancelotti's men look like they're cruising to the title.

Rafa Benitez had better be right when he said he doesn’t need to win trophies to be a success at Anfield . At this rate, he'd struggle even to win the title of Merseysider Most Surviving On Strength Of Past Glories – although only because Jamie Carragher has set his sights on that particular 'honour'.

Nani is so scared of swine flu that he deliberately stank Old Trafford out for an hour in order to be substituted early and thus minimise the time spent in contact with Blackburn's infected squad. Well, he can't be that bad naturally, can he?

Carlton Cole should start for England in South Africa and is going to end the season as one of the Premier League's top strikers. Sadly for West Ham fans, he’ll almost certainly be playing for somebody else when he does.

Steve Bruce said that if any of his kids had reacted to a shove like West Ham's Herita Ilunga did at the weekend, he'd have slapped their backsides . Lucky Kenwyne Jones didn't do that on the pitch at the Stadium of Light on Saturday, or the Congolese left-back wouldn't have known what to grab while rolling around on the floor.

Wigan's  defenders might want to phone in before turning up to training on Monday. Dave Whelan's already sacked one player this week for bringing the club into disrepute – and following their performance against rock bottom Portsmouth, he might have a few more P45s up his sleeve. (And, yes, we realise that shipping four goals doesn't equate to sexual assault, but why let that stand in the way of a mediocre gag?)

Clearly all those UV rays have gone to Phil Brown's head. Following Hull's defeat to Burnley, the under-pressure boss said: "I expect to be manager of this club in the Premier League next year." Yes, Phil – and this column expects to be running on the cover of the New York Post, but it ain't gonna happen.

The Premier League's referees were surely sharing their own private joke this weekend. Or don't they realise that they're meant to dish out cards at Christmas, not Halloween?

Money can't buy you love. Or, if the millionaires match-up between Birmingham and Manchester City was anything to go by, entertaining football.

What did you learn from the weekend's football? Let us know by leaving a comment below...

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