The Comic Relief Park? Who should get naming rights to Newcastle's stadium?

By Mirror Football in Football Banter

Published 17:03 28/10/09

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Mike Ashley's all out assault on Newcastle fans continues today with the news that he is not selling the club and he plans to sell naming rights to St James' Park.

So which companies should sponsor the Magpies? Here's MirrorFootball's top ten suggestions.

1) Timpson
The high street experts in shoe repair and Zippo lighters also sell a wide range of sporting trophies and cups. Given the current state of the team it would be the only way Newcastle could get their hands on any silverware.

2) Youtube
Given that the internet video website already looks after the scouting operation for the club, it's just a short step up to become stadium sponsor.

3) Comic Relief
Newcastle could follow Barcelona's lead by giving a charity some much-needed exposure. While the Catalans have children's charity Unicef on their shirts, we can think of no one better suited to Newcastle than Comic Relief. Although they might get upset when the latest comedy antics of the club provide more laughs than Lenny Henry, Dawn French and Jonathan Ross put together.

4) Billy Smarts Circus
Need we say more?

5) Pirelli topless calendars
St James' Park is the only place where you can find more topless people than in their calendars, although they might take some persuading to do a special Newcastle edition featuring 12 pictures of porky bearded Geordies with 'I love NUFC' tattooed across their bellies.

6) Weightwatchers
If the Match of the Day shots of the crowd at St James' are anything to go by, one or two supporters could do with a few less pre-match pies and pints. And Mike Ashley is hardly svelte either...

7) Oxo
Under Ashley's inspired stewardship the club have become even more of a laughing stock...

8) Northern Rock
The mortgage lenders used to be Newcastle's shirt sponsors and since then the Magpies fortunes have largely mirrored those of the failed Northern Rock, ie they've plummeted downwards faster than Didier Drogba in the penalty area.

9) Viz
Leaving aside the obvious jokes about the club already being something of a comic strip etc etc and so on, founder Chris Donald is a Geordie and in Biffa Bacon they would have their most combative forward since Craig Bellamy, although with Sid the Sexist playing their chances of scoring aren't good.

10) The Church of England
The late Sir Bobby Robson used to describe the stadium as the "cathedral" and with Kevin Keegan's various comebacks, St James' has already seen a second and a third coming of the Messiah. Besides, they way things are going the Toon Army might have to resort to prayer anyway.

Why all Newcastle fans should boycott Mike Ashley's plan to rename St James' Park: Simon Bird's big lunchtime read