The Football Oscars: The Damned United, Escape To Victory, Goal and our awards for the greatest football films ever made

The nominations for the real Oscars were announced today, but what if the gongs were dished out just for football films? Here, Mirror Football's Steve Anglesey dishes out our awards...

BEST GOAL

Nominated: Newcastle's Gavin Harris (Alessandro Nivola) rounds off a box-to-box move started by Alan Shearer and also featuring Stephen Carr and Kieron Dyer to score against Liverpool (Goal)

Also nominated: Brian Clough (Michael Sheen) pirouettes to score a perfect training ground goal in front of his new Leeds United squad. He did it on the first take, apparently (The Damned United)

And The Oscar goes to: Pele's overhead kick against the Nazis. Needed 24 more takes than Michael Sheen, apparently (Escape To Victory)

BEST DIALOGUE

Nominated: Russell Osman refusing to escape: "I don't want to go! Let's go back. We can win this!" (Escape To Victory)

Also nominated: Eric Cantona, typically modest: “I am not a man. I am Cantona" (Looking For Eric)

And The Oscar Goes To: Michael Sheen chanelling Brian Clough: "I won't eat, and won't sleep until I've taken whatever that man's achieved, and beaten it. Beaten it so I never have to hear the name Don f**king Revie again. Beaten it so the only name anyone sings in the Yorkshire ale houses, raising their stinking jars to their stinking mouths, is Brian Clough. Brian Clough uber-f**king-alles! Understand?" (The Damned United)

MOST LUDICROUS DIALOGUE

Nominated: "You've got two choices - you can go down the pub, or you can work in a factory" (Careers master in When Saturday Comes)

Also nominated: ".. And it were so dark t' ponies would go blind" (Sean Bean's doomed brother tells him about the fate of pit ponies, causing Bean to weep copiously, When Saturday Comes)

And The Oscar Goes To: "Come quick - there's been an accident down pit" (The inevitable occurs, When Saturday Comes)

BEST CHARACTER NAME

Nominated: Frank Harper as 'Billy Bright' in The Football Factory

Also nominated: Robert Carlyle as "Eric Wirral' in There's Only One Jimmy Grimble

And The Oscar Goes To: Suzanne Somers as 'Cloudy Martin' in Yesterday's Hero

BEST CHARACTER NAME (VINNIE JONES MOVIES ONLY)

Nominated: Smasher O'Driscoll (Strength Of Honour)

Also nominated: Finbar McTeague (Smokin' Aces 2: Assassin's Ball)

Also nominated: Bullet Tooth Tony (Snatch)

And The Oscar Goes To: Rommel (Garfield 2: A Tale Of Two Kitties)

BEST TAGLINE FOR A REALLY BAD FILM

And The Oscar Goes To: 'With the world at your feet, what else is there to tackle?' (Best)

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY

Nominated: The Damned United. So close to the 1970s you can almost taste the Watneys Red Barrel.

And The Oscar Goes To: Goal. Perfectly executed match sequences, brilliant scenes of training on the sea wall outside Newcastle.

BEST BEST

Nominated: John Lynch as washed up alky footballer George Best (Best)

And The Oscar Goes To: Ian McShane as washed-up alky footballer 'Rod Turner' (Yesterday's Hero)

BEST SURPRISE CASTING

Nominated: Patsy Kensit, surprisingly convincing as a good-time girl who attaches herself to a wayward celebrity (Best)

Also nominated: Rutger Hauer as the coach of Real Madrid (Goal 2)

Also nominated: Manchester City '60s legend Mike Summerbee as Sid Harmor (Escape To Victory): "How'd you like double rations for a month, Sid?" "Whose mother would you like me to strangle?"

And The Oscar Goes To: Terry Sue Patt (Tucker Jenkins' youth football star mate Benny in the original series of Grange Hill, The Firm - original version)

WORST SURPRISE CASTING

Nominated: 5-foot-7 Roger Daltrey as 6-foot-1 Rodney Marsh (Best)

Also nominated: Reece Dinsdale, then noted for playing John Thaw's permanently exasperated son in gentle comedy Home To Roost, as a football hooligan (ID), paving the way for...

Also nominated: Effete Hobbit Elijah Wood, playing a football hooligan (Green Street)

And The Oscar Goes To: Jerome Flynn, from Robson & Jerome, as Bobby Charlton (Best)

BEST DOCUMENTARY

Nominated: Zidane, A 21st Century Portrait. Moody.

Also nominated: Maradona by Kusturica. Mental.

And The Oscar Goes To: Once In A Lifetime: The Extraordinary Story of the New York Cosmos. Magic.

BEST FICTIONAL TEAM NAME

And The Oscar Goes To: Leicester Forest (Yesterday's Hero). Named after a service station but disappointingly did not play Watford Gap in the film.

BEST OPPOSITION

Nominated: The Trojans (The Arsenal Stadium Mystery). Comprised of actors and Brentford players, one of them drops dead of poison during the game - hence the mystery. Before the game, Gunners boss George Allison tells his team that the Trojans "don't play your game, they play the attacking game." So they were boring, boring Arsenal even then.

And The Oscar Goes To: Manchester United (When Saturday Comes). The United team put to the sword by Sean Bean's boozy ex-miner is comprised of fat men, bald men, fat bald men and limp-wristed actors who have clearly never previously encountered a round ball. As a Manchester City fan, I have dreamed about seeing a United team like this my entire life.

MOST REALISTIC FOOTBALL SEQUENCES

Nominated: Goal. 'How did-they-do-that?' mix of actors into stock footage.

And The Oscar Goes To: The Damned United. Muddy, bloody Leeds v Derby County Cup tie is utterly believable.

MOST BEWILDERING PERFORMANCE BY ERIC CANTONA

Nominated: As an enormously fat cop (L'Outremangeur)

Also nominated: As a boxer, accompanied by a comedy chimp (Mookie)

Also nominated: As an incomprehensible French diplomat (Elizabeth)

And The Oscar Goes To: As himself, playing the trumpet badly (Looking For Eric)

BEST SINGLE SCENE IN A FOOTBALL FILM

Nominated: The Nick Hornby character goes up the Highbury steps for the first time and falls in love with football (Fever Pitch)

Also nominated: Brian Clough gets the sack (The Danmed United)

And The Oscar Goes To: Arsenal fans watch the 'Michael Thomas' game at home, then have a party at Highbury (Fever Pitch)

BEST SOUNDTRACK

And The Oscar Goes To: Once In A Lifetime. Includes classics Machine Gun by The Commodores, I Feel Love by Donna Summer, Kid Charlemagne by Steely Dan, The Boss by James Brown, Who Is He And What Is He To You by Creative Source as well as - for some reason in a film about American soccer in the 1970s - 1994's Rocks by Glasgow's Primal Scream.

MOST PATENTLY ABSURD SYNOPSIS

And The Oscar Goes To: Green Street: "A wrongfully expelled Harvard undergrad moves to London, where he is introduced to the violent underworld of football hooliganism".

BEST HOOLIGAN FILM

Nominated: The Football Factory. Points away for slow-motion fighting.

Also nominated: Awaydays. Points added for no slow-motion fighting.

And The Oscar Goes To: The Firm (original version). Dirty, unglamorous, chilling.

WORST REMAKE

Nominated: The Mean Machine - subtract Burt Reynolds and American football, add Vinnie Jones and football.

And The Oscar Goes To: Fever Pitch - subtract Colin Firth and Arsenal, add Drew Barrymore and the Boston Red Sox

BEST DIRECTOR

Nominated: Ken Loach (Looking For Eric). Gritty Brit  whose other work includes Cathy Come Home, Riff-Raff, Up The Junction and the immortal Kes.

And The Oscar Goes To: Alan Clarke (The Firm - original version). Gritty Brit whose other work included Scum, Tim Roth skinhead drama Made In Britain and the immortal Rita, Sue and Bob Too. Presumably known on-set as 'Sniffer'.

BEST ACTRESS

Nominated: Anna Friel (Goal, Goal 2). Points away for keeping her clothes on for a change.

Also nominated: Emily Lloyd (When Saturday Comes). Points added for taking her clothes off for a change.

Also nominated: Parminder Nagra (Bend It LIke Beckham)

Also nominated: Ruth Gemmell (Fever Pitch). Perfect as the football-sceptic girlfriend.

And The Oscar Goes To: Dee Hepburn (Gregory's Girl). Bella, bella!

WORST CINEMATIC TREND

Nominated: Turning great football books into half-decent romantic comedies with football in them (Fever Pitch, The Damned United)

And The Oscar Goes To: Really bad football films directed by women - Green Street (Lexi Alexander), When Saturday Comes (Maria Giese) and Best (Maria McGuckian). Notable exception - Bend It Like Beckham (Gurinder Chadha).

BEST FOOTBALL SCENE IN A NON-FOOTBALL FILM

Nominated: Teacher Brian Glover plays Bobby Charlton during a games lesson (Kes)

And The Oscar Goes To: The crazy animal football match (Bedknobs And Broomsticks)

LEAST LIKELY DEVELOPMENT

Nominated: Obscure players called Benson And Hedges are called up for England duty after the manager writes his squad down on... a packet of cigarettes! (Mike Bassett: England Manager)

Also nominated: A portly Michael Caine has not only been an immediately-pre-war West Ham star, but insists he will play for them again once hostilities are over (Escape To Victory)

Also nominated: Despite being an untried substitute, who's only played lower league football before and who no-one trusts anyway because of his boozing and brawling, Sean Bean is chosen to take the vital penalty against Manchester United. And scores (When Saturday Comes)

Also nominated: Newcastle qualify for the Champions League (Goal)

And The Oscar Goes To: Sylvester Stallone - 5-foot-8 if he's standing on a Shetland Pony - saves a vital penalty (Escape To Victory)

MOST PREDICTABLE DEVELOPMENT

And The Oscar Goes To: David Beckham scores the winner for Real Madrid in the Champions League final from a last-minute free kick (Goal 2)

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

Nominated: Colm Meaney as Don Revie (The Damned United)

Also nominated: Neil Pearson as Nick Hornby's dad (Fever Pitch)

Also nominated: Timothy Spall as Peter Taylor (The Damned United)

Also nominated: Chic Murray as the headmaster (Gregory's Girl). "Off you go, you small boys"!

And The Oscar Goes To: Max Von Sydow as the steely Nazi officer who stands up to applaud Pele's goal, presumably jeopardising his future career advancement in the Third Reich (Escape To Victory)

BIGGEST CAREER COMEDOWN

Nominated: Michael Caine (Escape To Victory). Alfie, The Ipcress File, Hannah And Her Sisters, Get Carter, The Italian Job... and this.

Also nominated: Robert Duvall (A Shot At Glory). Frank Burns in M*A*S*H, Tom Hayden in The Godfather, Colonel Kilgore in Apocalypse Now, won an Oscar for Tender Mercies... and starred alongside Ally McCoist here.

Also nominated: Steve Barron (Mike Bassett: England Manager). Previously directed videos for Wacko Jacko's Billie Jean and A-Ha's Take On Me - though admittedly was also responsible for big screen disasters Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Coneheads and Electric Dreams.

And The Oscar Goes To: John Huston (Escape To Victory). Noah Cross in Chinatown, dad of the majestic Anjelica Huston, sort-of dad-in-law to Jack Nicholson, director of The Maltese Falcon, The Treasure of the Sierra Madre, Key Largo, The African Queen and Night Of The Iguana. Began his career directing Humphrey Bogart, ended it directing John Wark.

BEST ACTOR

Nominated: Alessandro Nivola (Goal). Authentic.

And The Oscar Goes To: Gary Oldman as Bexi (The Firm - original version). Scary.

Also nominated: John Gordon Sinclair (Gregory's Girl). Hilarious.

And The Oscar Goes To: Michael Sheen (The Damned United). Cloughier than Cloughie.

BEST UTTERLY INSANE FOOTBALL FILM

And The Oscar Goes To: Shaolin Soccer

BEST FILM

Nominated: Gregory's Girl

Also nominated: The Firm (original version)

Also nominated: The Damned United

Also nominated: Goal

And The Oscar Goes To: It can win this! It's got to be Escape To Victory.

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