Oh yes it is... it's the MirrorFootball Panto!
Pantomime season is here - which means bad acting, men in drag and cornier jokes than a box of cornflakes.
English football is preparing a secret transfer from floodlights to footlights, and the following script has fallen into this column's hands. Football Association blazers have so far refused to confirm whether it is authentic...
A CHRISTMAS CARROLL by Charles Dickens - adapted for MirrorFootball with a chainsaw
ACT ONE
(The curtain rises. Wayne Rooney, in Shrek costume, sits alone, in shallow snowfall and deep in thought. No, make that in shallow thought and deep snowfall. The choir sings).
Good King Wayne Senseless looked out over Montenegro,
All he did was to lash out and to kick the fellow
Brightly shone the Roon that night, though the ref was cruel,
Now he's got a two-match ban and feels such a fool.
ROONEY: Who's going to lead the line for England in our first two group matches at Euro 2012? It's going to be agony watching the lads against France and Sweden, wondering if I'll get my place back. Knowing my luck, we'll be out of the tournament by the time my suspension is lifted.
AUDIENCE: Oh no we won't!
ROONEY: Oh yes, we will!
AUDIENCE: Oh no, we won't!
(Enter Fabio Capello, stage left, carrying his Anglo-Italian phrasebook, followed by a group of sniggering England players, breaking out into song)
Postman Pat, Postman Pat, Postman Pat and his phrasebook chat,
Early in the morning, just as day is dawning, he picks up all the vocab that he can,
Postman Pat, Postman Pat, Postman Pat and his phrasebook chat,
All the fans are singing, 'Fabio is minging, 'cos he only speaks Italian.'
CAPELLO (with exaggerated Italian accent): Wayne eeza very important player. We're gonna need Rooney at Euro 2012, but where can I find another player like eem?
(Several England players in the group, including Darren Bent, Bobby Zamora, Gabby Agbonlahor and Jermain Defoe, put their hands in the air, trying desperately to attract his attention. Capello pretends not to notice them.)
CAPELLO: Eeza gonna be a difficult choice. Eeza gonna be important for me to make the right choice.
(Players still sniggering, Capello turns on them, breaking into song)
What's-a-matter you?
Hey, gotta no respect,
Whatta you think you do,
Why you play so bad?
I'm-a-not-so-bad,
I'm not a hopeless case,
Ahh, shaddup you face.
CAPELLO: Without Rooney, we gonna need something different. We gonna need something new.
ROONEY: What sort of striker are you looking for, boss? Someone like me, who can play up top or drop into the hole, or pull wide to make space for midfielders to make their runs into the box?
CAPELLO (looking confused by such technical language beyond his mother tongue): I don't know, Wazza. People always seem to know what they are gonna get from England at big tournaments.
ROONEY: Disappointment? Wasting their life savings to go halfway round the world and watch garbage? Knocked out by Portugal on penalties?
CAPELLO (with a flash of inspiration): That's it! Mamma Mia! Why did I not think of it before? I've got it, I know the answer!
ROONEY: What is it, boss? A 4-5-1 formation? Wing-backs? Bringing back Geoff Hurst? (The audience applauds heartily).
CAPELLO: Eureka, Galileo!
ROONEY: Never heard of them, boss. Who do they play for?
(The players gather round, still sniggering. Lights down).
ACT TWO
(The curtain rises. Andy Carroll, looking forlorn and in a Liverpool shirt, sits alone at a bar with 20 Jagermeister Bombs lined up in front of him. The choir sings).
Little donkey, little donkey, on the bench again,
Got to keep on plodding onwards, though you never get a game.
Been a long time, little donkey, since that £35m cheque
Don't give up, though, little donkey, you're replacing Shrek.
CARROLL: How can you go from a monster who terrorises defenders, wins England caps and is transferred for £35 million to this? Twelve months ago, I had a fantastic career ahead of me...
AUDIENCE: It's behind you!
CARROLL (swishing his ponytail): There's got to be something which earned me all that recognition in such a short space of time - something that will make me one of Europe's hottest strikers again.
AUDIENCE: It's behind you!
(Enter Capello, looking agitated but eager)
CAPELLO: Andy, I've a surprise for you...
CARROLL: What, my mate Kevin Nolan's going to play in midfield for England?
(Audience bursts out laughing)
CAPELLO: No, I 'ave a special mission for you in Ukraine... Sometimes it eez difficult for strikers to make a big impact at a new club. Your club pays a big transfer fee, but it doesn't always work. But I believe in you - you are doing much better than Torres at Chelsea.
(Capello breaks into song).
In the bleak midwinter,
Carroll couldn't score,
Couldn't hit a target,
Wide as a barn door.
Couldn't hit a cow's hide,
With a large banjo,
But he's doing better,
Than Fer-nando
CARROLL: I know two goals in nine starts isn't red-hot form, gaffer.
CAPELLO: No - but I want you to replace Rooney against France. How do you say in English... They don't like it up 'em, the French. I want you to terrorise them in the air, unsettle them with your physical power, frighten them with your ponytail.
CARROLL: You really think I can do that, boss?
CAPELLO: You are my secret weapon, Andy. We are not going to Ukraine to pin the ponytail on the donkey - we are, 'ow you say, going to kick ass!
(Audience applauds wildly. Capello and Carroll are joined on stage by Rooney and other England players for musical finale).
Oh little town of Dnipropetrovsk, how still we see thee lay,
But just you wait until next year when Three Lions come to play,
We all thought Capello was a basket case on Africa's Cape Horn,
But Euro 2012 could be Postman Pat's brave new dawn.
(Lawyers for Charles Dickens, Joe Dolce enter stage left and right to serve writs. The curtain falls).
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