Shocking fillers! The worst gifts available in a club shop near you

By Mirror Football in Mirror Football Blog

Published 15:30 20/12/11

Still stuck for what to buy that special football-loving person in your life? Well, don’t get them any of this tat... Yes, it’s MirrorFootball’s club-by-club guide to the very worst branded Christmas presents in the Premier League!

Arsenal
We would have recommended the Arsenal stress ball but they’re no longer in stock or, indeed, available (presumably Arsene bought tham all). So instead, why not splash out on this Robin van Persie action figure ? Top tip: if you want to complete the full first-team set then just by 11 of them.

Aston Villa
Concerned that Alex McLeish is making a right old dog’s dinner of his first (who said ‘only?’) season at Villa Park? Then why not buy this delightful dog bowl (as the advertising slogan doesn’t say... but possibly should)

Blackburn Rovers
Want to know how Steve Kean stands the heat of all those fan protests? He uses these brilliant Blackburn oven gloves as course! Can’t help feel Venky’s have missed a trick by not offering a free chicken with every purchase, mind.

Bolton
Christmas cheer is clearly in short supply at Bolton. Not only are the Trotters looking nailed on for relegation, but there’s not even a Christmas section on their official website! Bah, humbug indeed. Still, you can always buy a dart board that will also double up as a handy frame for pictures of Gary Cahill after January (and Owen Coyle after May).

Chelsea
Banish the post-Christmas Blues with this fantastic Fernando Torres blank key . Warning: not suitable for unlocking defences.

Everton
Not surprisingly, given they cost more than David Moyes’ entire January transfer kitty, there are still plenty of these ‘limited edition’ Lambananas (no, us neither...) in stock. Probably best to plump for one of these 99p blue noses instead - so cheap even Bill Kenwright could afford one. Almost.

Fulham
Nothing says I love you like a Mohammed Al-Fayed gnome . Not only it is a ‘fugging’ brilliant present, but it’s also 100% life size.

Liverpool
Something for the ladies: a bottle of L4 perfume . Made from the very essence of the club, it means you too can now smell of underachievement and past glories.

Manchester City
Comedy gnomes are clearly on trend this Christmas, and they don’t come any more, er, comedy than this Mario Balotelli ‘Why Always Me’ effort . Unfortunately you have to provide your own curry and fireworks. And it's sold out. So you'll have to make do this Paul Dickov gnome instead.

Manchester United
The bad news is that this Manchester United Mr Potato Head is currently out of stock. The good news is that rumours suggest the next batch of stock will come complete with his new hair implants.

Newcastle
We can’t help feel that this ‘Santa stop here’ sign might not be a good idea. After all, given Santa’s red and white get-up, isn’t he more likely to be a Sunderland fan?

Norwich
You cant beat a practical present, so how about Canaries majority shareholder Delia Smith’s cookery book . It’s full of great recipes although, contrary to all expectations at the start of the season, there’s not many stuffings.

QPR
Nothing says Christmas like an, er, cuddly hedgehog , right? It’s also the only thing at Loftus Road more prickly than Joey Barton on Twitter after a heavy defeat.

Stoke City
New for 2011: a life-size model of star striker Peter Crouch . At least that’s what we THINK it is...

Sunderland
Never let it be said that Wearside is devoid of romance. If you really want to let the Mackem in your life is the one, there can be no better way than buying them a Sunderland-stamped aluminium tax disc holder . It must be love.

Swansea
Far be it from us to suggest that the Welsh might be a race who like a drink or two, but Swansea are the only club here who have their own official single malt whisky . Hic!

Tottenham
Two presents for the price of one, here. Not only does this handy tool scrape ice, but it also scrapes the bottom of barrels too.

West Brom
When Band Aid originally sang “Do they know it’s Christmas?” they were thinking more of the people of Ethiopia than those of the Midlands but, given the state of the Baggies’ online store, they might as well have been. The only thing that caught our eye was t his not particularly festive hat - and only then because we thought it would be funny to see Woy try and wub his face while wearing it.

Wigan
You wouldn’t expect a complete and utter merchant like Dave Whelan to miss a retail trick but the online Wigan store is very much a bauble-free zone. So here’s a Latics ruler which might come in handy for working out how far away all those new Championship grounds are next season.

Wolves
Talking of relegation, it’s not looking good for Mick McCarthy’s plucky strugglers either. So why not get the Wolf in your life this lilo ? At least it might double up as a life-raft come May...

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