'Yes my brother is called Cock. What's so funny about that?' - Martin Jol's top 10 maddest moments

Ex-Tottenham manager Martin Jol's return to the Premier League as the new Fulham boss should be welcomed by fans of football and pure entertainment alike.

Here, Ricky Galer looks back at 10 of the Dutch man-mountain's maddest moments...

1) The funniest thing about Martin Jol - or anything we can think of - is that the Dutch manager doesn't seem to understand why his brothers' names are hilarious.

As is often mentioned, Jol's brothers are called Dick and Cock. Really.

Jol demonstrated his flimsy grasp on English humour in saying, "Yes, my brother’s called Cock. What’s so funny about that? It's stupid. Cock is just a nickname - a short version of his name. I mean, what's so funny about that? It's his name and my other brother's name is Dick."

2) As if that wasn't enough to bring Martin's understanding of matters below the waist into question, the then-Tottenham manager seemed to have something on his mind back in 2007.

It was Dimitar Berbatov's appearance in an FA Cup tie against Chelsea that got Jol all hot under the collar, as he replied to the suggestion the board forced him to play the striker when injured by claiming, "It's the same as if you told my missus I was gay. It's nonsense."

Yeah... exactly the same.

3) Just like Swiss Toni, Dutch Martin believes playing football is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

He once said, "when you score a last-minute goal to win a game there is no better feeling. Well, maybe your wife might disagree."

4) Jol is a respected tactician, but former Pompey midfielder Pedro Mendes may not agree that he has a great eye for the game.

In a 2006 match between Portsmouth and Jol's Spurs, Mendes flicked a leg at Didier Zokora. He missed him by a good foot or so, but that didn't stop the Ivorian Zokora producing the kind of swan-dive that must have been an inspiration to little Tom Daley .

What did Jol, a descendant of the nation that created 'total football' think of it?

“I think he overbalanced."

5) There's protecting your players and then there's the Martin Jol school, where an Arsene Wenger-style 'I didn't see anything, I wasn't even there' can become 'Yes your honour I witnessed the murder, but it wasn't malicious'.

That kind of thing might be excused if done once, but Jol made our job easier by giving us two examples.

Playing for Ajax under Jol in November 2010, Liverpool striker and handball enthusiast Luis Suarez went at PSV Eindhoven's Otman Bakkal like something out of Twilight .

Showing off his famed 20-20 vision, Jol described the incident as a 'love-bite', which makes us feel sorry - and a little scared - for Mrs Jol.

Four years earlier, also under Jol's management, Spurs' Jermain Defoe did much the same to West Ham's new midfielder Javier Mascherano .

Jol said, “It was just a nibble. Jermain wanted to show his frustration in a nice, comical way.”

Ahh, so Dick and Cock aren't funny, but that is. Got it.

6) When you look at Martin Jol, what do you see? Yep, Tony Soprano - a link that doesn't appear to be lost on the big man, as he demonstrated in a north London derby five years ago.

Fourth place was up for grabs in the game and injuries that decked Arsenal duo Emmanuel Eboue and Gilberto Silva didn't stop Robbie Keane putting Spurs 1-0 up.

A furious Wenger approached Jol, who did the Sopranos proud by making the Frenchman an offer he couldn't refuse - to return to his seat pronto and in one piece.

Jol said, "I did really well to hold myself back. I really don't think he realises how strong I am, otherwise he wouldn't approach me with headbutts and everything."

7) Jose Mourinho was having another moan about another manager when he took exception to Barcelona manager Frank Rijkaard speaking to a referee during a Champions League match against his Chelsea side.

Jol doesn't see any problems with managers talking to referees, but says there are limits: "If he is cuddling him then I would be a bit frustrated, that's for sure."

8) Anybody fed up with the oh-so-politically-correct comments of players, managers and everybody else in football might find exactly what they're looking for in Jol.

Speaking about his Tottenham side's chances of securing Champions League football in 2006, he said: "Arsenal winning the Champions League would be a nightmare. It would be horrific if we finished fourth and weren't in it, watching some team from one of those tiny little countries playing in the Champions League."

How about the chances of that tiny little club from West London who play in black and white reaching the Champions League, Martin?

9) One of Jol's former players may not be entirely thrilled at the news of his Premier League return - Jermain Defoe.

Jol said of the striker during their time together at Tottenham: "I wouldn't swap Jermain for Miss World, but he would probably swap me for her."

Could that man-love lead to a cheeky bid coming Spurs' way?

10) Fulham big cheese Mohamed Al-Fayed may just have his work cut out with the Dutchman, should he give his new manager reason to get narked.

Jol isn't one to shy away from saying exactly what he means. As he said on taking over at Spurs after Jaques Santini's short spell: “We have communicated more with the players in two days than we have in the last two years.”

Expect fireworks!

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