Nose jobs, kippers and Bugattis: Robbie Savage's stories of the year

By Robbie Savage in Mirror Football Blog

Published 08:00 01/01/11

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Every week in his MirrorFootball column, Robbie Savage shares the funniest thing he's heard in the last seven days. For some reason, most of them seem to involve his wife Sarah. Here are a few highlights from 2010.

* Our match against Portsmouth on Bonfire Night was a 5.15pm kick-off, and too late for our boys to be there. So the missus watched the whole game on TV with them at home and Sky Plussed it for me.

We watched it all together the next night and when it got to my penalty goal, I was so pleased I rewound and watched it again. "Oh Robbie," said Sarah, excited. "You didn't tell me you'd scored two!"

* Sarah saw a picture of Jordan's husband Alex Reid wearing one of those breathing strips on his nose, then remembered Robbie Fowler used to use one too. "If that was me," she said, "I wouldn't be so blatant about having had a nose job."

* My youngest son, Freddie, plays in the Under-5s on his school pitch while his brother Charlie is in the Under-8s where games are on the hard astroturf at Manchester's JJB Soccer Dome.

When the snow hit in December and school rang up to say Freddie's pitch was so hard it was unplayable, Sarah asked them: "Does that mean Charlie's is off too, because that astroturf's hard as well?"

* Paul Green got a cut on his foot before our 5-0 win against Crystal Palace last in October. He had to have an injection before playing and was very worried about the size of the needle, but the doctor said he would numb the area first.

Out came the special cream, and after a bit the doc asked: "Is it numb yet?" "I don't know," said Paul. "I can't feel it..."

* In November, my missus and my mate Tuffy came to Pride Park to see us play Watford. We started well, scored early on and Sarah turned to Tuffy and said: "One-nil up already, it's a good game, isn't it?"

Tuffy replied: "To be honest, if they keep playing as well as this it's going to end up 4-0." Sarah said: "Really? 4-0 to who?"

* In April, the missus took the kids to Abersoch for the week. I suggested packing the kids' beach cricket set, but she asked: "How will I get the stumps in the sand?"

* In September, with no Championship football because of the internationals, Derby went to Marbella this week on a training camp/bonding session. We went shopping one night and the woman in Louis Vuitton asked our new left winger, Dave Martin, if he'd like to join their mailing list.

He agreed but we were all in stitches when he wrote down his email address, which began: Godlike_leftpeg@...!

* When World Cup fever hit in May, Sarah decided to buy my son Charlie and England goalkeeper's kit as a birthday present. But at his party she looked so upset I had to ask her what was wrong.

"It's the goalie's kit," she answered. "Now everybody thinks our son is called James Savage."

* In July, Derby played a 3-3 friendly draw at Bournemouth's Dean Court. "You won't believe this," I said to Kris Commons, "but I actually scored here for Crewe in 1994." "Oh, really?" said Kris. "Who were you playing against?"

* I was watching Top Gear and drooling when they featured the new £1.6million Bugatti. It's the fastest road car ever built and has a top speed of 258mph.

Sarah came in, took a look at the telly and asked, "Is that a Vauxhall Tigra with spoilers?"

* In January, Sarah started jogging to keep fit. Being Sarah, she got just a mile from our house, running downhill on a straight road, before she decided she was hopelessly lost.

Cleverly, she decided to flag a car down for help, but was too embarrassed to admit she hadn't a clue how to get home. So instead of confessing all, she asked the understandably bemused driver for directions back to our house - where she'd clearly just jogged from - before adding: "I'm not from round here, you know." I'm not sure he fell for it.

And her excuse? "It was dark."

* In September, Sarah and I discussed having a conservatory put on the back of our house. But the plan broke down when Sarah objected to the idea of having a sloping roof and was adamant that we needed a flat glass one - which would have worked out brilliantly in the rainy North-West as we head towards winter.

We'd have been the first family to have a conservatory with a swimming pool above it fitted at the same time.

* In the summer, Sarah and I ate at Michel Roux's Le Gavroche restaurant. I'm friends with Michel and he looked after us brilliantly with our meal living up to his three Michelin stars. The missus was impressed too. "What a beautiful place," she said. "You'll have to thank Michael Rose for his hospitality."

* One day in February, Jay McEveley came into training with blood on his hands and shirt. He'd been picking his nose a bit too aggressively while driving into work, given himself a nosebleed and with no tissues handy, had tried to mop himself up.

But Jay had stopped to buy petrol after the incident... and someone must have noticed the state he was in and taken down his licence plate. So when he got home he saw two coppers standing on the drive - they thought he'd killed someone.

* Did a book signing at Derby's Westfield Centre in October and as I walked through the mall, a few shoppers and staff came out to say hello. One guy ran out of a furniture store and shouted: "Mr Savage, can I interest you in a new bedroom?"

I don't know what came over me, but I shouted back: "No thanks, I've already got seven." It's no wonder most people think I'm a w****r.

* Sarah and I were driving out for dinner one night when we got stuck on a winding road behind a bloke crawling along at 20mph. "Honestly," said the missus. "Why doesn't he turn his lights off That will make him go faster."

The logic is astounding.

* My wife's cousin Rachel came over from Canada and we took her to Pride Park. As Sarah packed the Range Rover before the game, she thought of bringing along one of the kids' cuddly mascot toys and told Rachel: "We'll have to take a ram."

A confused Rachel asked: "Are we going to stop and pick one up in a field?" And she was serious. It runs in the family.

* I watched the Wales v France in the Six Nations with Sarah and when Alexis Palisson went over to score the visitors' opening try, she said, "that number 11 is a handsome guy... and, do you know, he looks French.." Later Sarah noticed Wales were wearing green socks and asked: "Is that to make them look like leeks?"

* I fancied a home makeover so I ordered 50 new cupboard doors which would make our kitchen look brand new. When I told Sarah the price, she said: "We could get a brand new kitchen for that!"

* My missus cooked fish one Monday night in March. We went to bed and I woke up sweating in the middle of the night, then I raced to the toilet and threw up. And threw up again and again and again. Then, right on cue, came a shout from the bedroom: "Are you all right, babe?"

Why do people always ask that when it's obvious that you're not all right? You could be lying in a pool of blood and someone will say, "Are you OK, mate?"

To be fair to the wife's cooking, Chris Porter and Jay McEveley were both been sick at work too, so maybe there was a bug going round at the club. But much to Sarah's disappointment, I told her it will be a long time before I went near her kipper again.

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