The wit and wisdom of Alan Shearer, plus more madness from Andrey Arshavin

By 3pm

Published 15:39 14/03/10

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Alan Shearer’s reputation as a fun-loving chap who doesn’t take himself too seriously has been bolstered by a recent interview. The highlights:

Q: When you were a youngster what was your favourite cartoon?
A: Cartoons? I didn't watch cartoons, I was too busy playing football.

Q: Apart from a football, did you have a favourite toy when you were a child?
A: Yes, a goalpost.

Q: Apart from football paraphernalia, did you have a favourite toy when you were a child?
A: No, like I told you I was too busy playing football.

Q: What is your favourite vegetable?
A: What type of questions are these? I should say peas, should I?

Q: What about fruit?
A: An apple.

Q: You wouldn't have any time for an orange or a banana?
A: You asked for my favourite fruit, I said an apple.

Q: Do you believe in the existence of ghosts?
A: No.

Q: Do you believe in life beyond earth?
A: I don't know what I believe in. I try not to think about it. I don't want to think about it.

Q: Alan, can you tell us a joke?
A: Yeah, your questions.

The Alan Shearer Collection - classic pictures of the Newcastle and England legend from our amazing archive  

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No Shearer-like reticence from Andrey Arshavin, whose weekly website Q&As continue to amuse and delight. Having recently tackled the thorny question “have you ever been stung by the bees around the eyes?”, our hero has moved on to even more taxing matters:

Q: Hi Andrey, in what order would you place the following animals: a tiger, a cow, a pig, a horse, a sheep?
Arshavin: A pig - it will always get the last place. A tiger, a cow, a horse, a sheep. And I’ll repeat that a pig is always the last one, because it is a pig.

And this brilliant response to a reasonably sensible question…

Q: Hi. I am 25 years old and I'm still not married. My parents are very upset about this. They say I can end up a spinster. But I don't want to get married yet. What shall I do?
Arshavin: Step 1: You need to find a scruffy heavy drinker. Step 2: Once you've found him, try to persuade him to "marry" you. I think that for a small amount of money, he will agree to fulfill the role of your fiancé. Final: Bring this guy home. Tell your parents he'll live with you. I think next time they will think better before forcing their opinion on you.

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