Sky Sports News transfer deadline day running order revealed! Warning: includes JIM WHITE SHOUTING

By Annie Eaves

Published 08:00 31/08/11

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Our resident humourist Annie Eaves has been granted a sneak peek at Sky Sports News' transfer deadline day running order. This is what you can expect to see on channel 405 today... Maybe.

10:00 - Coffee With Harry Redknapp
Reporters who have been camped outside Tottenham’s training ground all night are brought coffee and biscuits. Harry then says he won’t talk about other club’s players before spending 30 minutes talking about one anyway. (may overrun)

10:30 - Row Me Relish
An abstract look at how to pronounce a name 15 different ways in half an hour, cunningly disguised as a piece on clubs wanting to sign Raul Meireles.

11:00 – Traditional News
Somewhere a real football club wants to buy Shaun Wright-Phillips. 

11:30 – Adverts (1 hour) 

12:30 – The End of Modern Media
Sky quote a rumour heard on Twitter but the original Twitter rumour was from a Sky source which turned out to be Twitter in the first place leading from a story broke by Sky on the back of a revelation on Twitter. This carries on for infinity and the disorientated presenter is removed to be replaced by JIM WHITE.

13:30 – JIM WHITE WELCOMES VIEWERS
ALL THE NEWS RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW. JIM WILL LET YOU KNOW THAT THIS PROGRAMME IS EVEN BETTER IN HD. YOU MAY NEED TO ADJUST THE VOLUME ON YOUR TELEVISION TO AVOID LONG TERM DAMAGE TO EAR DRUMS. 

14:30 – Roving Reporters
We go to Heathrow to follow up on rumours of players being seen there. Guest appearance by Harry Redknapp.

15:30 – Andy Burton is In-The-Know
Andy spends the majority of the year herding goats in Snowdonia but every transfer deadline day is here along with his seven mobile phones to show just how in-the-know he is. *It’s a well known football fact that number of mobile phones is directly proportional to inside knowledge. 

16:30 – Adverts (1 hour) 

17:30 – Around the Grounds
See various ex-footballers who permanently live in tents outside their former club. Delights here will include Perry Groves commentating on a South American he’s never heard of and Clayton Blackmore commentating on the weather.

18:30 – Afternoon Lull
Everything on the transfer front goes quiet for a while SO JIM WHITE REPEATS ALL THE TRANSFER RUMOURS OF THE DAY EVEN LOUDER TO MAKE THEM SEEM EXCITING AND NEW.

19:30 – Roving Reporters
After FC Anzhi Makachkala bought Samuel Eto’o and bid for Nemanja Vidic during the transfer window, we thought it would be a good bet to have someone in Dagestan in case of any more big signings. Guest appearance by Harry Redknapp.

20:30 – Adverts (1 hour) 

21:30 – Traditional News
Somewhere a real football club wants to buy David Bentley. 

22:00 – How To Stalk
Our reporter who has now been outside Tottenham’s training ground for 72 hours straight chronicles which lights are being turned off in the offices, which remain on, and what this indicates for transfers.

22:30 – Technical Half Hour
When was the last time you had your fax machine serviced? They break very often, indeed the FA will right now be dealing with several cases of transfers delayed by broken fax machines.

23:00 – One Last Big Transfer
JIM WHITE TELLS US ‘THIS IS WHAT DEADLINE DAY IS ALL ABOUT’ AS HE REVEALS THAT STOCKPORT COUNTY HAVE BEATEN THE WINDOW BY TWO MINUTES TO SIGN A RESERVE GOALKEEPER.

23:30 – The Missus
Sandra Redknapp calls Sky Sports to ask if they know the whereabouts of her husband.

24:00 – Swansong With Swanson
Brian Swanson, the only man in the UK still enthusiastic, details all the moves on his Sky Pad and seemingly grows a third arm as he does so. He looks slightly crestfallen as it all comes to an end.

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