Manchester United in a Real mess as Madrid sign everything that moves

Manchester United cannot get anyone to replace Cristiano Ronaldo because Real Madrid are buying every striker in Europe.

The Spaniards have just snatched Lyon's Karim Benzema from under Fergie's purple nose and are now thought to be preparing a bid for Lindsey Oil Refinery.

Madrid's spending power appears limitless. There's nobody they aren't prepared to buy, apart from defenders.

Reports are emerging they have put in a tempting offer for Villa, though it's not clear whether that is David or Aston.

Benzema sounds more like an ointment for piles than a footballer, but the Frenchman has been given a massive vote of confidence by bookies.

Stan James make him a 6-4 favourite to be top Madrid goalscorer next season, ahead of 13-8 shot Ronaldo.

Real Madrid might be hoovering up the creme de la creme of world football but worry not, United fans.

Fergie has plugged the hole left by Ronaldo (the hole in the ground, presumably) by signing an Ecuador winger from Wigan Athletic.

Former Liverpool and Real hero but now free agent Michael Owen was yesterday cut from 20-1 to 7-4 by Sky Bet to be a Manchester United player on the first day of next season. I'm guessing the season they're talking about is the silly season.

ADDITIONAL REPORTING BY JOHN SHAW