Brian Reade presents the best and worst of football in 2009

By Brian Reade

Published 23:00 25/12/09

• 

Best Story:
This year's big talking points were less about foreign players and more about foreign bodies.

Those things that illegally enter the pitch and ruin (or make) the game.

There was the beach-ball at Sunderland, which managed to get on the end of a Darren Bent mis-hit and put a beaut past the stranded Pepe Reina, then launch a thousand internet gags.

There was the delirious moron who sprinted onto the grass during the Manchester derby only to see his delirium punctured by a fist from Craig Bellamy in Rambo-mood.

But none could beat the genius timing of ITV who managed to invade the pitch with an advert in the 118th minute of a 5th round FA Cup tie.

ITV's FA Cup coverage was already under heavy scrutiny after a deluge of criticism for its choice of games, quality of camera-work and punditry. During the 2nd round game at Histon, Leeds fans were heard  chanting "ITV is f****** s***." 

A sentiment backed up at Goodison Park, when, as Dan Gosling was about to score the winner which knocked out Liverpool, 7.3 million viewers were treated to the sight of Tic Tac men running across their screens.

Michael Grade called it "inexcusable and unacceptable". Only Liverpool fans disagreed.

Best Laugh:
Charles N'Zogbia vowing he would never play for Joe Kinnear again because he mispronounced his name was a cracker. As was the yellow and orange striped shirt which looked like a vomit-cleaning rag that his Newcastle team-mates were asked to wear.

The "Welcome to Manchester" poster with the picture of a celebrating Carlos Tevez in City kit became hilarious once Alex Ferguson rose to the bate snarling: "City are a small club with a small mentality."

But the 32-page sales brochure Michael Owen circulated, in which he described himself as "healthy, cool, committed, young, charismatic etc" really did make the belly burst. Even if he might end up having the last laugh.

Worst Sight:
Adrian Chiles wearing yet another half Croat/half England shirt, the press release that said Baddiel and Skinner will be working again at next year's World Cup, Rafa Benitez going for a full Brazilian down the middle against Fiorentina and getting horrendously exposed and Nicklas Bendtner pictured leaving a London nightspot after the Champions League defeat to Manchester United, with his strides around his ankles, were pretty horrific. But Didier Drogba, screaming "f***ing disgrace" into a Sky camera after Barcelona knocked them out of the Champions League was worse than gruesome. Especially as he stood there in flip-flops.

Best Reality Check:
A Dutchman (Guus Hiddinck) who already has a job abroad was brought to Chelsea by a Russian (Roman Abramovich) to fill a post left by a Brazilian (Luis Philipe Scolari) who failed to get the best out of under-performing employees from Germany, The Czech Republic, the Ivory Coast, France, Portugal, Ghana, Nigeria, Brazil, Serbia, Argentina and Slovakia. And some still say our game still has a British heartbeat.

Worst Noise:
El Hadji Diouf claimed he had a banana thrown at him at Goodison, despite no such fruit being evident. Rafa ranted badly. And that's a fact. Fergie whined about bad refereeing every time he failed to win, which was often. But runner-up was the moronic, witless barracking of Ricky Ponting dished out by the Barmy Army at Edgbaston. And the winner, by a long note, was the constant din from South African vuvuzelas during the Confederations Cup. An unrelenting cacophony that made you swear, hit the mute button, and realise there's an even worse sound on the telly than Davina McCall.

Best Piece of Hypocrisy:
Kaka turned down a move to Mancheser City in January with the words, "I want to grow old at Milan," before booking himself into an OAP's home in Madrid. Dave Whelan hired Spaniard Roberto Martinez as Wigan manager, two months after saying: "I'd never entertain a foreign manager for Wigan." But for sheer gall, nothing could match Sir John Hall telling Newcastle players they were "morally bound" to take a pay cut to help save the Geordie Nation. The same Sir John who made £95million by flogging the club to Mike Ashley.

Best Eamonn Dunphy Insult:
This exchange with Graeme Souness was good: "DUNPHY: you don't know what you're talking about. SOUNESS: Where did you manage? DUNPHY: I managed to stay alive for 63 years, baby." But his description of Chelsea and Liverpool's 4-4 Champions League draw, which was feted across Europe as a classic encounter, was priceless: "It was like watching two drunks in a back alley throwing punches at each other."

Best WAG Contribution:
"It's not the same any more. To be honest, it's rough. Everywhere new that opens attracts the wrong type of people. It's not nice, so I haven't bothered to go out," said Steven Gerrard's wife Alex Curran, of Liverpool nightlife, a week after her hubby was cleared at a trial during which he admitted hitting another man in a Merseyside nightclub.

Best Chant:
Southend fans singing "Does your butler know you're here" at Chelsea fans made us chortle, but Villa Park's Holte End echoing to this after John Carew, was caught leaving a "gentleman's club" in the early hours before a UEFA Cup tie was the winner: "John Carew, Carew. He likes a lap-dance or two. He might even pay for you. John Carew, Carew."

Best Flag:
Silver goes to "Who's the next Messiah? Ant or Dec" unfurled by Villa fans to the embattled Toon Army. But gold goes to the flag LA Galaxy fans used to welcome David Beckham back from playing in Europe: "Is evil something U are...or something U do?" 

Best Quote:
I loves Ronaldo telling Steve Taylor "you're a rubbish footballer" to which Taylor replied "at least I'm not ugly."

And this surreal quote  from Wayne Rooney: "I haven't a clue what else I would have done other than football. I always enjoyed RE at school, so maybe a priest."

Plus referee Howard Webb turning into Ghandi, after being panned for not giving a penalty at Old Trafford:  "I'm disappointed as I always strive for perfection. But show me a man who's never made a mistake and I'll show you a man who's done nothing." 

But pride of place goes to Diego Maradona, who told Argentinian journalists after he beat Uruguay to clinch a place in the World Cup: "To those who didn't believe me, suck my ****. You lot take it up the ****. And I apologise to the ladies for my words."

Most Boring Saga:
Will Almunia play for England and solve our goalkeeping crisis? How much exactly has Rafa Benitez spent at Liverpool?  Which club will Jose Mourinho come back to manage? Will John Terry, won't John Terry join Manchester City? All yawn-inducing sagas, but at least we were interested in the answer? Whereas the drawn-out debate over whether Britain should have a football team at the 2012 Olympics just left us numb.

Fancy winning £3,000 for FREE this month? Play Mirror Football Streak for your chance to win cash prizes! Start predicting now!