Why footballers persist with sleeping with the kiss-and-tell no-marks.

By Brian Reade

Published 23:00 10/09/10

• 

Ask a footballer what annoys him most about journalists and he’ll answer “your very existence”.

Apart from that it’s post-game ratings. They are obsessed with them.

Stephen Hawking would not be able to remember what mark he got in a League cup-tie at Sincil Bank on a wet Tuesday night in February seven years ago.

Every footballer would.

It’s the first thing they look for after a game and the one thing that can make or break their mood for days.

So why do they pick up women who they know will one day rate their sexual performance in a newspaper as no better than a three. It always happens.

This was Monica Mint on Peter Crouch: “A nice person, but he’s not good looking.” (2/10)

Here was Aimee Walton on Ashley Cole: “Not very big.” (1/10)

And Jenny Thompson on Wayne Rooney: “He was actually quite boring in bed.” (0/10)

Even when Juicy Jenny paid him a compliment – “a lot of people call him Shrek but he’s not that ugly when you’re sat in front of him” – she was implying that from behind he looked like a jug-headed ogre with an a*se down to his ankles.

Remember, lads, these women are no-marks. And that’s precisely what they’ll give you. Is it worth the pain?

***

Craig Levein said ­Scotland’s winner in the seventh minute of injury-time against Liechtenstein gave his players “a platform to build on.”

Indeed it did – on the precipice of Ben Nevis, from where they’ll be asked to hurl themselves in a game or two.

P.S. Is it just me or does Levein look like a suspect in an unsolved 1960s murder whom the police suddenly want to speak to following an up-date to their DNA database?

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