Dan Silver's Week from Hell starring Keys and Gray, Gattuso, Cesc, Raheem Sterling, Where's Wally and more!
There have been some great comebacks in recent weeks - Newcastle vs Arsenal, West Ham vs West Brom, Arsenal vs Barcelona; sadly, Keys and Gray vs talkSPORT wasn't one of them. When not flogging discounted carpet tiles, the disgraced pair cosied up to celebrity interviewees including Dion Dublin, Paul Ince and Avram Grant. Following our exclusive - and excruciating - 'Choco Jocko' revelations the day before , this show might as well have been subtitled: 'We're not racists - some of our best guests are from ethnic minorities!'
A genuinely thrilling week of European action kicked-off - literally - on Tuesday night. Milan has long been known for its handbags, so Tuesday's Champions League shenanigans shouldn't have come as a surprise. And the real reason behind that headbutt ? Apparently, Gattuso misunderstood Dwight Yorke's anecdote about what fun it was giving head to Jordan... ( Read our Top 10 Milan-Spurs jokes here )
Arsenal turned in one of the performances of the season the following evening, coming from behind to beat brilliant Barcelona . Skipper Cesc Fabregas refused to get swept up in the hype, though, telling reporters after the game: "It was an unexpected result, but I'm sure we can turn it around in the second leg." ( Read our Top 10 Arsenal-Barca jokes here )
There was much excitement in Liverpool this week after wonderkid Raheem Sterling stuffed five past mighty Southend's youth team , thereby making him the second most drooled over teenager of the week after Justin Bieber. Despite intense speculation that Sterling would become Liverpool's youngest ever player , Kenny Dalglish decided to spare Sterling a Spartan initiation in their Europa League match in Prague. Frankly, we wish we'd have been given an excuse not to watch the game as well.
Liverpool were only the second biggest joke in the Europa League this week, though, after Greek side Aris Thessaloniki ended up destroying thousands of copies of their matchday programme when it was revealed they'd printed a fake picture of the Manchester City squad by mistake . Bungling club officials sourced the image from the internet but, perhaps not unreasonably, failed to spot it featured some 50-odd players - including Wayne Rooney, Kaka, Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Lionel Messi, Fernando Torres, Didier Drogba and Mesut Ozil. In fairness, City chief exec Garry Cook only caught on when he spotted Where's Wally in the middle of the picture - and only then because the club had a £50m bid for him turned down in the summer.
Football's loss was the Brazilian pie industry's gain this week as the original Ronaldo - arguably the best, certainly the biggest - announced that he was finally giving up on chasing his past glories. The numerous eulogies this decision inspired inevitably praised his prowess in front of goal and God-given ability with a football. All well and good, but our favourite moment? His memorable description of the national side's 2002 World Cup sex ban: "The manager would tell us that any player who cannot control his penis is not a man, but an irrational animal. I will always remember the ache down below just as much as lifting the trophy." ( Read 10 more equally salacious Ronaldo facts here ).
As a TV pundit, the only thing remotely funny about Gareth Southgate is his seemingly sprayed-on hair. On Twitter, however, the man's a comic God. When lambasted by @PROUD_SCOUSER this week with "If you scored that pen. England would have won Euro 96 and France 98, you goofy cross eyed shithouse', our hero replied; 'sorry, you are wrong...I am not cross eyed'
You'd think Kevin Davies would be a bit more Twitter savvy following his early Pop Tarts gaffe, but the Bolton striker was at it again this week, tweeting: "Just had a 1 hour battle with the donkeys trying to get them in the field. Included a 30 minute stand off between me and the big one, i won!" Which, we think you'll agree, is no way to talk about an extended training session confrontation with Johan Elmander.
Perhaps they need some team bonding. West Ham striker Carlton Cole revealed on Twitter this week that the relegation-threatened squad went clay pigeon shooting. Apparently the most dangerous place for spectators to stand was two feet to the left of Carlton's target. There was also a spot of go-karting in the day - as our exclusive picture of manager Avram Grant shows .
And finally, adidas have offered fans the unique chance to name the 2012 Olympic ball . Following on from South Africa's Jabulani, we presume they'll want something that offers a flavour of the area surrounding the Olympic Stadium, so we look forward to the unveiling of the adidas pie'n'mash next spring.