How the Premier League table would look if teams were awarded points for famous fans

By David Anderson

Published 10:52 21/10/09

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Just two months into the season and already the Premier League is boringly predictable.

So in an effort to make it a bit more interesting, I've compiled a new table based on the coolness of each club's celebrity fans.

Champions: Wolves.
Untouchable because of Robert Plant, the genius who penned 'Stairway to Heaven', even if we will never forgive Noddy Holder for Merry Christmas Everybody.

Runners-up: Manchester City
Manchester's real club would go close thanks to the warring Gallagher brothers, Ricky Hatton and Steve Coogan's Paul Calf. Imagine a night out with that lot.

Champions League: Chelsea
Would have won the title 40 years ago when Steve McQueen and Raquel Welch used to visit the dressing room. Still strong contenders thanks to Suggs, Michael Caine and Simon Pegg.

Champions League: Bolton
Pack a punch and a laugh thanks to Amir Khan, Dave Spikey and Vernon Kay.

Europa League: West Ham
The minus points incurred by Noel Edmonds are more than wiped out by Ray Winstone and Iron Maiden bassist Steve Harris.

6th: Fulham
OK, I know they've got Diddy David Hamilton, but Minder aka Terry McCann and Mr Benn himself, Ray Brooks, take some beating.

7th: Everton
Paul McCartney raised hopes of a Champions League place, only for Tom O'Connor, Matt Dawson and Claire Sweeney to dash them.  

8th: Liverpool
James Bond himself Daniel Craig and the next best thing Clive Owen give the Reds plenty of plus points, only for Tarbie, Chris de Burgh, Adam Woodyatt and Les Dennis to take most of them away.

9th: Sunderland
Paul Collingwood makes up for the fawning Steve Cram.

10th: Manchester United
May be the real champs, but with fans like Jimmy Nesbitt, Eamonn Holmes, Ian McShane and Angus Deayton, they are distinctly average in my made-up table. If only!

11th: Aston Villa
That pain in the backside Nigel Kennedy and Martin, don't mention the Professionals, Shaw equals mid-table mediocrity.

12th: Arsenal
With Melvyn Bragg and Clive Anderson, they would be top if the table were based on smugness.

13th: Stoke
Nick Hancock used to be funny before he disappeared off to some obscure Sky channel.

14th: Birmingham
The old Jasper Carrott would have propelled the Blues into Europe, but, like the furry six-month old veg at the back of your fridge, he is well past his sell-by date.

15th: Blackburn
Jack Straw means it's going to be a grim relegation fight for Rovers, even if the Minister for Justice does look better without his glasses.

16th: Burnley
With king of spin Alistair Campbell as their most famous fan, it's going to be a long, hard season for the Clarets.

17th: Hull
I don't know if John Prescott supports the Tigers, but Prezza is a Hull MP and I can't think of anyone else.

18th: Spurs
Relegation is a formality because of Chas 'n' Dave. Thank God they have finally split up.

19th: Portsmouth
Still sunk in this table and Tommy Boyd and Fred Dinenage hole them below the waterline.

20th: Wigan
The Latics don't have any fans, yet alone any famous ones.

How would you rank your team's famous fans? Let us know by leaving a comment below...

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