What if... Premier League teams were countries?

By David Anderson

Published 08:30 23/09/09

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To fight off the boredom during the first half at the Reebok on Saturday, I started comparing Premier League clubs to countries.

Bolton would be Belgium, I decided. Dull with mutinous fans, just like rebellious Walloons and the Flemish, who are threatening to pull Belgium apart.

Stoke would be Finland. They could only be the Scandinavian country, which has produced so many great javelin throwers, with Rory Delap in their side.

Manchester City strike me as being most like China. They're threatening to upset the established order and once they realise their full potential, there will be no stopping them.

Manchester United are the USA. They've set the benchmark for the last couple of decades and see themselves as the game's only superpower, although Fergie is more Tricky Dicky than his hero JFK.

Liverpool are Great Britain. Their Empire, built by Shanks and Paisley, used to be the greatest around, but now they are struggling to relive the glories of the past. They are also hugely in debt, but instead have two Yanks to blame rather than two Jocks in Downing Street.

Arsenal and Arsene Wenger can only be France. Refined, a joy to behold and aesthetically pleasing, but show the same fight as the French did in 1940 when they travel north.

Chelsea have to be Russia. Nouveau riche, they have delusions of grandeur and get up everyone's noses. Like Putin, they also have their own ruthless axeman at the top.

Spurs are Greece. They used to be top dogs and helped make the game what it is today, but it was so long ago no-one can remember.

Everton are Portugal. Once they ruled the land, but have hit hard times and are now overshadowed by an illustrious neighbour.

Sunderland are Poland. They have had to live in the shadow of their bigger neighbours, but are finally emerging as a new power in the region.

Blackburn are Denmark. Not the most exciting, but consistently punch well above their weight to hold their own with the big boys.

Wigan are like Liechtenstein. Small, but perfectly formed and pleasing on the eye.

Hull are the Vatican City and the guys in charge thinks they are God.

Portsmouth are the Cook Islands, or whatever Pacific islands are most threatened by global warming. They are sinking fast, soon to disappear without trace.

Wolves would be Austria. Once a real power in the land, they are slowly beginning to revive.

Birmingham would be Albania and you just wouldn't want to go there.

Aston Villa are Italy. They think they are one of the big boys, but they just can't quite cut it. Their respective leaders also appear to be getting younger with each passing year.

West Ham are like Holland, they speak great English and are everyone's second favourite team.

Burnley are like Korea - and no, not the North because they are a wee bit old fashioned. I'm thinking more of the South because they are hard working, have a great community spirit and have finally emerged from the shadow of their bigger neighbours.

Which leaves Woy Hodgson's Fulham . They are surrounded by bigger neighbours, but perform like clockwork. Welcome to Switzerland...

Which countries do you think our top teams are like? Let us know below...

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