Terry and Cole would be less menacing if they were given a Beano-style makeover

By David Anderson

Published 08:02 03/03/10

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Sod Max Clifford. If John Terry and Ashley Cole really want people to stop hating them, they should turn to the Beano .

The legendary kids' comic has given its famous characters a makeover to make them nicer and more appealing to the public.

Dennis the Menace - or Dennis the Only Slight Nuisance as he's now known - has gone from the tearaway ASBO teenager to a slimmer, more sensitive soul.

Gone are his trademark peashooter, catapult and knuckleduster and he has stopped his attacks on Walter Softy.

The cowpie-eating Desperate Dan has been put on a diet of greens and lentils and carries a water pistol instead of a fully-loaded Magnum.

The makeovers have been a great success with all those people who wear loads of earrings, rainbow-coloured clothing and call their children Saffron and Ocean Spray and they love the inoffensive, dull and bland characters.

If the Beano can smooth the rough edges on Dennis and Desperate Dan, imagine what they could do for Cole and Terry.

They could have their own cartoon strip in the Beano where they could join the scouts and go around doing good deeds.

They would wear clothes from Marks and Sparks or BHS and iron big creases down the front of their jeans.

Cole's character could give advice to young kids about the perils of taking pictures of yourself in your undies and accidentally sending them to young women who are not your wife.

Terry's character could also counsel about the dangers of shagging your mate's ex-girlfriend and then taking out expensive legal super-injunctions to stop the truth coming out.

Instead of that nasty, violent football, they would play a gentle no-contact sport like tiddlywinks or Hungry Hippo, where the taking part rather than the winning would be emphasised.

They would still be involved in all sorts of scrapes, such as seeing who could buy the juiciest apple for teacher each morning or get the nicest wallpaper to back their homework book.

They would also carry heavy shopping home for old ladies and help members of our growing ageing population cross the road.

Then at the end of each day, they would settle down for the night - in their own homes - to watch the Waltons or Little House on the Prairie with a glass of hot milk and cookies.

How could the nation - and Cheryl Cole - then not love two such sweet, lovely lads?

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