Roll up, roll up... get your bottled atmosphere here

By David Anderson

Published 08:02 17/03/10

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The National Trust has hit on the wheeze of selling bottled fresh air to gullible townies.

This has got some hard-up chairmen thinking they might be able to cash in on this emerging market by selling bottled atmosphere.

Too many grounds these days rely on loud-mouthed MCs and rock music to work their crowds into a frenzy.

The chairmen are thinking they could provide an alternative by capturing the atmosphere at big games and flogging it off to other clubs.

The way it would work is that a number of bottles would be strategically positioned around a ground and opened at the opportune time.

The theory is this injection of atmosphere would trigger the fans into singing and generally making some noise.

They could even brand them properly by naming them like perfumes or aftershaves.

Manchester United could offer up Derby-day Delight, a full-on atmosphere of raw energy.

Or they could do Eau d'Europe, an ear-drum-splitting sensation with a hint of garlic and olive oil, although they would have to take out the bit where the crowd sing 'Love United, Hate Glazer' if they wanted to sell it to any clubs with American owners.

Indeed, all atmospheres would be filtered to take out any abuse, which in the case of Millwall wouldn't leave much.

Those clubs buying would need to be mindful of the pitfalls and particular care must be taken when buying bottled Anfield - 2009-10 is definitely not a good vintage.

Unless you're Neil Warnock, Reebok 2007-09 should also be avoided.

Arsenal also had their fingers burnt when they tried to buy some atmosphere for The Emirates.

The unscrupulous salesman said this particular variety, called La Luna, was out of this world, which was fine except there is no atmosphere on the moon.

Clubs are lining up to buy the bottled atmosphere and Manchester City have made discreet inquiries about obtaining some Derby-day Delight on the black market.

Blackburn and Wigan are curious to hear what an atmosphere sounds like.

Tom Jones has even got involved and he is buying some of Stoke's Delilah to act as a backing track when he is next on stage.

Sheffield Wednesday hope to raise some much-needed cash, although Hallelujah Hillsborough will only go on the shelves provided they shoot that annoying band who play the theme to the Great Escape over and over again.

Steve Bruce and Rafa Benitez are interested in Bramall Lane's Greasy Chip Butty as they do get peckish during games.

Chairmen feel they are on to a winner, so look out for a bottled atmosphere in all good sports shops.

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