Modern day living means even a simple trip to the cinema is full of conundrums

Now I don’t want to come across too Mark Kermode here, but I went to the cinema last night.

I went with a group of mates.

I’m not proud, but my friends thought it slightly more riveting than the obligatory standing in a pub staring blankly at each other... occasionally churning pound coins into the quiz machine.

Answering 34 simple questions akin to ‘what year did England win the World Cup?’ and on the prize winning 35th question getting flummoxed by a ‘what is the capital of Turkmenistan?’ type question. (Yes, I Googled it. Ashgabat by the way, also spelt Ashkabad!!)

I was railroaded into the role of designated driver/chauffeur and picked the lads up.

I was taken on some crazy back roads that only the locals would know.

My guide in the back seat politely informed me of the positions of various speed cameras – not that I would dream of going even 1 mph over the speed limit -  but failed to inform me of a perilous junction ahead.

We overshot the junction, careering into the adjoining road, playing a rather absurd game of Russian ‘car’ roulette. Luckily, the barrel wasn’t loaded!

Safely ensconced in a parking space... to a certain extent, you know what these bloody multi-storeys are like.

Twelve point turns to get up each ramp. Scraping at least one alloy on every level. Getting into the parking space only to realise that to get out of the car scot-free you’d either have to exit through the sunroof, or clonk the door against concrete one side, or someone else’s car the other!!

Modern day living throws up conundrums at every turn.

Take the cinema refreshments for instance.

My pal hadn’t had time to eat dinner so he purchased a hot dog. The dog was about 12” in length and the bun about 6”. So, did my mate ask for an extra roll, or snap the dog in two in a twin formation?

See what I mean. Decisions, decisions.

And don’t even get me started on the pic ‘n’ mix……

It’s obviously ‘the law’ to engage in some kind of sweet based shenanigans at the cinema, but I’m sure I only put a handful of sweets in my paper bag.

Took it to the counter and was charged about £4.56. Daylight robbery. I was just glad I’d partaken in a little bit of robbery myself, trying a couple of sweets just to check I liked them!! What goes around comes around.

Then the liquid refreshments. I thought I’d treat myself to a coke. Did I want the small, regular or large? I asked to look at the large.

Holy mother!! This thing would have needed a hose pipe to fill it up. I’d have been up and down to the lavatory more times than an incontinent pensioner on a pub crawl.

I plumped for the small, still very large, cup and I could instantly feel my bladder tingling at the prospect.

Oh, you want to know about the film?

Here goes the Mark Kermode part.

Film – ‘The Firm.’

Quick synopsis: 80s, tracksuits, soundtrack, melt, dry lunch, punch-ups, dead fella. The End.

I can sense Kermode quaking in his boots!!

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williamhill.com

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