The managerial guide to avoiding stress

By Michael Calvin

Published 22:10 31/10/09

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They’re playground bullies with persecution complexes, who think anger management is for wimps.

They’re prone to babbling incoherently, as if someone has sprinkled crystal meth on their cornflakes.

Football managers need protection from themselves.

Since Wednesday is National Stress Awareness Day, we share stress-busting tips, and action plans for ten special friends.

1. Learn to manage your time more effectively - MARK HUGHES

Advice: “We waste a lot of time doing unimportant tasks, so prioritise your day and do unpleasant jobs first.”

Action: Refuse to be a PR plaything, or a corporate clone. You are the most powerful manager in club football. Sell Robinho, steal David Villa, and throw money at Fernando Torres.

2. Adopt a healthy lifestyle – RAFA BENITEZ

Advice: “Eat a healthy diet, exercise regularly and ensure you get adequate sleep.”

Action: Remember how it feels to pass a kidney stone. Stop giving four hour interviews to star struck bloggers, sack the poor wretch you employ to read your cuttings, and don’t spend the night plotting.

3. Know your limitations and do not take on too much – PHIL BROWN

Advice: “We cause ourselves a great deal of stress because we like people to like us“

Action: Accept players pledge allegiance to a rabid Jack Russell if it promises them a first team place. Don’t portray yourself as a cross between Simon Cowell, Sigmund Freud, and George Clooney.

4. Find out what causes you stress – FABIO CAPELLO

Advice: “Take time to discover what is worrying you.”

Action: If Michael Owen really is your Tormentor, give him a chance to be your Terminator. Pick him against Brazil. If he fails, you can concentrate on your pet hate – players who do not know their place.

5. Avoid unnecessary conflict – SIR ALEX FERGUSON

Advice: “Do not be too argumentative. Is it really worth the stress? Look for win - win situations.”

Action: Flagellate yourself with a rolled up copy of the Racing Post in front of FA flunkeys. Organise peerages for key officials at Prospect, the referees’ trade union. Open up your wine cellar to the sober citizens of the popular prints. 

6. Accept the things you cannot change - PAUL HART

Advice: “Changing a difficult situation is not always possible. Concentrate on all you have control over.”

Action: Pack Avram Grant off on scouting trips to Tashkent, Timbuktu and Tierra del Fuego. Ask Peter Storrie to find an owner with more disposable income than a Big Issue salesman. Convince David James that 40 is the new 20.

7. Take time out to relax and recharge your batteries – ARSENE WENGER

Advice: “At least one break of 10-14 continuous days is recommended.”

Action: Sky+ that compelling Under 17 World Cup clash between Burkina Faso and Costa Rica. Look for peace and physical enlightenment at your local Hare Krishna Temple, or a Theo Walcott press conference.

8. Find time to meet friends – ROBERTO MARTINEZ

Advice: “Friends can ease work troubles & help us see things in a different way.”

Action: Get the beers in. Invite Big Sam & Wor Stevie around to watch that timeless 1999 VHS Tape “Manchester United – A Knight to Remember”, starring the Dear Leader. 

9. Try to see things differently, develop a positive thinking style - ROY KEANE

Advice: “Talk over your problem with somebody before it gets out of proportion."

Action: Triggs the Labrador has obviously stopped listening. Mick McCarthy is available to administer such homespun Yorkshire gems as “lighten up, you big Jessie”.

10. Avoid alcohol, nicotine and caffeine as coping mechanisms – CARLO ANCELOTTI

Advice: “Too much caffeine & nicotine causes anxiety symptoms. Alcohol is a depressant”

Action: Ignore it. Mama believes in the restorative qualities of red wine. Roman will forgive you the odd gasper when you deliver the Premier League title in May.