Why England are lucky a bearded madman's in charge of Argentina and not Capello

By Michael Calvin

Published 23:01 29/05/10

• 

Get the restrainers ready, nurse. Diego’s demons are coming out to play.

He’s as skittish as a Mother Superior tricked into ­kneeling on a whoopee cushion in a confessional.

He’s bored with running down cameramen, and is threatening to waddle naked around Buenos Aries if ­Argentina win the World Cup.

He’s grown an unkempt badger beard in apparent homage to his hero Fidel Castro. It makes him look like a villain from a ­spaghetti western.

Appropriate really, ­because Diego Maradona wants to take on the world with a team featuring the Good, the Bad and the Ugly.

He nearly died as a child when he fell headlong into the family cesspit.

His psychotherapist told him surviving the slurry was a metaphor for life.

Whether Lionel Messi, Juan Sebastian Veron and Carlos Tevez can help him out of another foul-smelling hole remains to be seen.

Maradona’s Argentina squad sheet will either be a suicide note, or the greatest work of tormented genius since Vincent van Gogh started lopping off body parts.

Book me a place in the queue to sign the book of condolences.

Fabio Capello was ­stressing one of the eternal truths of international football when he said that, in terms of ­natural talent, Argentina are the nation he most fears. He got me thinking. What if Capello was in charge of ­Argentina, not ­England?

It would be a three-pyjama, sweat-soaked nightmare. He would impose order on chaos, turn the tournament into a race for second place.

There is a school of thought that suggests a manager, or head coach, is merely a ­marionette who plays to the masses.

They bring out England’s 2007 Rugby World Cup team, driven to the final on player power, to support their ­argument.

The right blend of players, with the right mentality, can be irresistible.

But they need structure, guidance. They need to be ­assembled on more than a whim and a prayer.

Capello would not have left himself chronically short in central midfield. He would not have selected six home-based players on the ­recommendation of his mates.

He would have picked Champions League winners Esteban Cambiasso and Javier Zanetti, who will be on the sun lounger when they should be in South Africa.

He would have viewed Veron with the suspicion of a ­security guard spotting a pyromaniac forcing entry into a firework factory.

Manchester United and Chelsea fans, look away now.

Maradona calls Veron “my Xavi”, and will build the team around him.

OK if you admire the ­occasional Hollywood ball, but if it’s backbone you want, look elsewhere.

They’ve named entire ­bottling plants after him.

Capello would not have been taken in by Fabricio Coloccini and Jonas Gutierrez, bluffing their way through the ­Championship with ­Newcastle.

He would have recognised the promise of Nicolas ­Otamendi, of Velez Sarsfield, but avoided playing him out of position in a back four ­consisting entirely of central defenders.

He would have mixed and matched world-class strikers like Tevez, Gonzalo Higuain, Diego Milito and Sergio ­Aguero.

He would have done more than throw the ball at Messi and tell him to play it off the cuff.

Ah,well. Back in the real world, Capello has to deal with mere mortals.

He’s seen off the WAGs, but worries about Ledley’s knee, Gareth’s ankle, Stevie’s state of mind and Wayne’s sense of frustration.

That little lot is enough to interrupt any manager’s sleep pattern, but not sufficient to call for an XXL straitjacket.

That’s got Diego Armando Maradona’s name on it. He’s just told his troops they can have sex, provided they don’t move their legs.

Fancy winning £3,000 for FREE this month? Play Mirror Football Streak for your chance to win cash prizes! Start predicting now!