Robert Enke tragedy takes me back to dark day I nearly committed suicide

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Published 22:35 15/11/09

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The news of Robert Enke’s suicide left me numb and brought back all my recollections of when I almost took my own life when I was depressed.

I was on air at the time for talkSPORT and initially didn’t believe the rumours about Enke’s demise.

But when I got home and looked at the full gravity of what happened, it made me very upset as I have been in that position myself.

A lot of people think sportsmen are super-human and they don’t have feelings.

People think sports-stars earn a lot of money and that is an automatic indicator of happiness - well I can tell you it is not.

I have had about six major bouts of depression since the age of 18 and I have sat there with a belt round my neck and gone out in a car and chucked a rope over a tree.

All were done in absolute calm serenity with no hysterics or behaviour of a wide-eyed mad-man.

It was just a solution to a problem that either four in ten people in the UK will either suffer from or know somebody that does.

When I thought about the lonely steps Robert Enke would have taken before throwing himself in front of a train, it made me both sad and angry that depression still still clearly remains in football.

German national team goalkeeper Enke, 32, was used to playing for Hannover in front of an adoring crowd.

He had only just come back into the side and you would think the guy has everything - money, status, respect and a family.

So for him to walk in the darkness in Germany near a railway line and have the clearness of thought and mind to throw himself before an oncoming train gives you an insight into what an awful illness depression is.

And it is another massive wake-up call about depression in sport.

In the wake of Enke’s tragedy, I have been asked to do a documentary on the issue for Inside Sport for the BBC.

I don’t know whether I want to do it because I don’t know whether I want to bring my past all up again.

It is one of the things about depression that when you do feel good, you don’t want to drag through all the dark issues you have had.

But I think I probably owe it to lots of people to do the programme to shed some more light on depression.

If there are any players out there who struggle with mental health issues, then I would urge them to speak to their team’s physio or go to their GP - and to keep going until they get the right answer.

Because sitting at home and keeping it to yourself makes the problem worse.

I sincerely wish Robert Enke’s family the very best and it makes me realise how lucky I am now.

Five years ago I came back from Real Oviedo and chucked a rope over a tree.

I was more than willing to take my own life but am so so glad I didn’t.

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